Chopper Guard

Mertolink cyclist killer counselled “in line with company policy”

2011-03-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

-- Being a bus operator at NZ Bus is a more rewarding and fulfilling career than most

Just ask Aucklander Damien Buckley, who was a passenger on Metrolink’s 274 service, as it was driven on the wrong side of the road at a cyclist on Mt Eden Rd. "I yelled, 'what are you doing?' really loud but [the driver] didn't look back at me; he was too busy trying to kill the guy," Buckley said.

You, too, can enjoy the rewards of a fulfilling career at Metrolink. Become a Bus Operator.

Being a bus operator at NZ Bus is a more rewarding and fulfilling career than most.

Bus operators have important roles in our business. Once you leave the depot, you are in sole charge of your day and the bus. You are also the day-to-day face of NZ Bus in our communities.

Your interaction with our customers means you can be social, helpful and understanding - every moment of every day is an opportunity to make a positive difference.

Becoming a bus operator with NZ Bus gives you the opportunity to develop professionally as we provide full training.

And here’s what Metrolink looks for:

What we look for

Our bus operators are everyday people. They enjoy working with our customers, love to drive and at the end of the day, take pride in knowing they have done a great job.

Being a great bus operator is about being able to communicate clearly in English (both written and oral), dealing confidently and accurately with money and caring about keeping people safe.

Fully appreciating the gravity of his driver’s actions and the embarrassing contradiction of Metrolink’s most preferred driver traits, company general manager Jon Calder acted swiftly, counselling the driver “in line with company policy”.

What a relief for Metrolink customers, cyclists, and road users.

Yes indeed. Like the special breed of military enthusiasts who gravitate to commercial building rooftops to wile away time training the telescopic sights of their sniper rifles on passing pedestrians, swift counselling puts them back on the straight and narrow, permanently stifling the powerful urge to kill.

But maybe we should give Metrolink’s "company policy" counselling more credit.

Perhaps it involves instant dismissal.

Speaking of cyclist killers, repeat drunk-driving grandmother Alison Mary Downer, who ran down and killed popular schoolteacher and new dad Frank van Kampen, has been freed from prison after serving just 12 months.

No doubt adding to her misery and continued torment is the provision that forbids her entry to two shopping centres - the location of which has been withheld - "unless for the purposes of attending rehabilitative treatment, counselling, Quaker meetings or medical appointments".

No, she wouldn’t want to miss a Quaker meeting and the chance to surround herself with people testifying to their faith in their actions and the way they live their lives

Blind to giveway rules

2010-08-17T02:27:00.000-07:00

-- Looking, but not seeing

Life is a potpourri of chance and opportunity.

Sometimes you come up smelling like roses and other times like steaming turd. Whichever the case, the winners are those who suck it up and enthusiastically saturate their olfactory organs with life’s sweet scents and steamy miasma.

Recently, I was presented with a stark illumination of this hackneyed wisdom, when a car operated by a driver who had failed to giveway suddenly appeared in front of my handlebars.

Before I could even conjure the words, steamy miasma, my bicycle, immediately followed by my face and shoulder, impacted the driver’s car door and window, and I was bounced backwards to the ground, where I writhed to the twisted rhythm of involuntary yowling.

There are better ways to stop. The head-stem of my carbon frame snapped in a style similar to the AC joint in my shoulder. My extremes pulsated with pain.

As kind passers-by tended my twisted form and hazy disbelief became aching reality, I found comfort in the generous care administered by strangers (and, later, ambulance staff) but also irritated overhearing an observer explaining: “He hit the car.” I really hated that and the possibility that those words could be construed to mean I was at fault. Sure, I hit the car, but only because Mr Blind Man was behind the wheel.

The other thought occurring to me as I wrestled the asphalt was, how did the driver not see me? How does anyone not see a pulsating 900-lumen nitelight (which on this occasion was working just fine)?

Turns out you can look, but not see. And not seeing is an excuse popular with errant motorists.

Anyway, now I am under the tender care of ACC and my insurer AA has stumped up for a new bicycle (not that I’m able to ride it just now).

The sad irony is that I was on a ‘recovery’ ride following the first day of a training programme.

Not wanting to fall too far behind schedule while my shoulder heals I’ve had to dust off the wind trainer. And what fun it is dry humping the steel mule, unable to hold the handlebars and shaking my fist at God for the pain in my taint.

No hands is fine when you’re rummaging through a musette, but try it for an hour-or-so on a stationary trainer. Torture.

But, like I said, you’ve got to suck it up and find any traces of sweetness.

So, in this spirit, I’m pleased to share with you the rising excitement dispersing my miasmic mist.

Pictured below, the must-have for the recovering one-armed wind-training cyclist prone to taint pain. Called The Leaner™ it relieves taint pressure by allowing the operator to rest their good arm (your bad arm will likely be in a sling) on the ‘cross-bar’. You sort of ride in the same way you lean on the bar after work on a Friday.

So simple, yet so effective. You will be amazed.

The stain of sporting superstardom

2010-07-13T01:49:00.000-07:00

-- It’s not just Keith Quinn who’s left grabbing for tissues

Who can forget commentator Keith Quinn’s orgasmic gasping at the sight of rugby great Jonah Lomu stomping all over England’s weedy fullback Mike Catt to score one of four tries in the semi-final of the 1995 World Cup.

Just as colliding rugby players elicit involuntary expressions of lusty joy from rugby fans, the feats of professional cyclists can provoke a certain level of sporting arousal that sends the amateur cyclist diving for crotchal cover.

Naturally, during the month of July, when the glory of professional bicycle suffering reaches its zenith, somewhere in the French Alps, amateur cyclists everywhere experience firsthand what Keith Quinn couldn’t contain during that fateful 10 seconds of live television broadcast.

The scenario has been beautifully captured in song fashion. And while it is the song writer's fraught relationship with women stirring his involuntary troubles, the end result is the same for dysfunctional sporting adulation.

Fashionably out of date

2010-06-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

-- Blogging off-season

No one, not even professional cyclists, rides the whole year round.

After all, you can’t race a season without a restful off-season. So it makes sense that someone who blogs on cycling matters must also take time away from the keyboard to let the scabs heal and rejuvenate.

However, further blunting blogging tendencies is the continuing feast of televised sport.

It started with the popular pay TV channel broadcasting Spring Classics highlights, often at times differing to those advertised; now the football World Cup is upon us; that big bicycle race in France starts quite soon; and The All Blacks have commenced falsifying expectations for next year's Rugby World Cup.

But it’s not just television that captures my attention. There’s internet porn and, just as arresting, email news of an attack dog and its deceitful owners menacing cyclists on the very route I ride three mornings a week.

The email below, from Greg Cross, was contained in a recent Counties Manukau Cycling Club news bulletin.

From:Greg Cross

Subject: Dangerous Pit Bull at Point England

To all my cycling mates

On Wednesday lunchtime my buddy Mark and I were attacked by a Pit Bull on Dunkirk Road out at Point England (the road by the park that takes you out to Panmure). The dog smashed into our bikes in full attack mode taking us both down resulting in a broken collar bone for Mark and lots of road rash and a broken bike for me.

The owner of the dog gave us a false name, address and phone number to avoid a visit from police and animal control. The people with the dog (who live in walking distance to the park) were a Maori male adult and 2 Maori women with a baby in a stroller.

The Pit Bull was tan in colour is extremely aggressive and is still out there. Please be careful on this road and if you see this dangerous dog and its owner please contact Animal Control immediately at 09 360 0750 or the Police

Please pass this message on to all your friends who cycle this route as I would hate to see this happen to anyone else.

Naturally, I hastily despatched a forwarded email to my cycling chums. Forewarned is forearmed, is it not? But then how does a cyclist prepare for an attack dog ambush?

I figure the scenario attaches risks similar to those posed by drunk drivers. You know they’re out there, but hope you don’t cross paths. But in the event you do, you hope the drunk driver hasn't confused the left hand side of the road with the right, or has driven off the road into a lamp post well before you meet.

Not being a cyclist who entertains avoidable risks, I consulted the popular search engine to explore attack dog preparedness.

Turns out there's a galaxy of options, and I refer you to this website for its fantastic product choices – from the animal loving pacifistic ultra sonic dog repeller, known as the Dog Chaser, to more combative mechanisms, such as stun batons (800,000 volts).

Buried in this impressive online product catalogue is dog repellent, but in my mind I’d much rather go for bear repellent – it possesses the same active ingredient: ultra hot pepper spray, but packs a much bigger spray range, which is important for people like me who have a poor aim.

Though, I must say meat loaf enthusiast and experienced user Brent Farwick puts forward a strong case for the dog repellent.

Dear TBO,

I ride a bicycle by choice. Unfortunately, the areas I usually ride through have an unusual number of large, aggressive, roaming dogs. The adrenaline rush I get from confronting and successfully intimidating these large animals is a bit much for a 54 year old guy. It just ruins my day. I've been concerned that sooner, or later, I would get mauled.

So I bought some muzzle spray from you. Today, on my ride home from a nice meatloaf dinner, a large black cur who never fails to charge me developed a sudden interest in running on 3 paws, while using his remaining paw to frantically swipe at his eye.

That wasn't good enough, so he quickly buried the side of his face in the dirt at the edge of the road. That didn't cut it, so it was a quick 3-legged dash/rub-rub into the yard to do some serious "face-sledding" on the grass.

The total delay from contact with that little pepper stream, to complete loss of interest in bicycles must have been on the order of 1/4 to 1/2 a second.

Thank You Sincerely for helping me avoid indigestion, as the meatloaf was truly delicious.

Thanks Again, Brent Farwick

Ride safe.

Yours in delicious meat loaf,

Lester

Democratising cycling performance enhancement

2010-04-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

-- Science will save you money

Economic uncertainty tends to bring out creative saving behaviour in everyone.

A little bit here, a little bit there – it all adds up to provide a safety cushion should things get really bad and you’ve got nothing useful to barter.

In this regard, food is a category ripe with potential savings available to the main household shopper. For example, forgoing filet mignon for chuck steak might require a few extra chews, but it won’t compromise nutritional value and yet delivers significant savings.

We’ve taken things a little further in our house.

Where once our meat patties were lovingly rendered from assorted offal and chicken giblets, these days we’ve captured fantastic savings, without comprising nutritional value, or great taste, with Fancy Feast Royale (just be sure to add a bit of cornflour and egg, to beef up your patties).

And this brings me to a significant column item on the great cycling spreadsheet – supplements.

To go without fattens the wallet, that’s for sure. But at what price? Just what is the real cost of being damned to the wrong end of an uneven playing field, languishing in sporting malnourishment and the torture of a dry mouth oxygenated with god-awful cat food burps?

Well, it doesn’t have to be this way.

In fact, it turns out that the average cyclist can have their nutrition and eat it, too. While the rest of the peleton is whooping it up on fancy adaptogens and fumbling with sticky over-priced gel sachets, the cost conscious cyclist should in no way be disadvantaged by this showy consumption.

With a little bit of thought and preparation, science-based performance enhancement is only a few ingredients and a blender away.

It’s time sporting performance enhancement was democratised.

So, I bring you my science-based high performance smoothie.

Again, I stress, unlike most of the supplements in your pantry, all ingredients are scientifically proven to enhance health and general performance.

Set-up blender and add:

- One banana (rich in vitamins and minerals)

- One medium sized beetroot, boiled till soft (nitrates contained in beetroot boost stamina by reducing the oxygen cost of exercise)

- One tablespoon of pure virgin olive oil (lowers the risk of heart disease, stroke and even Alzheimer's disease – which is especially useful for those longer rides when you can’t rightly remember how to get home)

- And a teaspoon of cod liver oil (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory)

Blend for 60 seconds, adding half a bottle of Heineken (fixes bonking).

The taste won’t be much, but it’ll work better than anything else you’re taking.

What’s more, it’ll get rid of that nasty cat food after taste.

Saddling up digital connections

2010-03-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

-- Always go for the big coconut

The Great Googling Machine and digital sociality have brought us all closer together.

But even if the glue that bonds our 21st Century connectedness is as weak as motivations for connecting are shallow (“pleasee follow me, I follow back”) that shouldn’t distract from rich rewards that flow when good connections are made.

Which brings me to my brief moment of richly rewarded connectedness.

Recently my Specialized Toupe saddle broke. The actual saddle bit split right down the middle. Sure, I can crush coconuts between my butt cheeks, but there’s nothing about my bike style that is unduly seat taxing.

More concerned about the other bearded nut variety, I phoned the retailer and enquired about the seat warranty. Bad luck – too late for the one-year warranty, I’d have to buy a new seat.

Well, it certainly wasn’t going to be a Specialized saddle if acceptable life expectancy was just two years. What say you, retailer?

Sorry, can’t help you there.

So, I queried, am I right assuming that Specialized manufactures its saddles to last just one-to-two years, in which case I should not be surprised by my experience and get over it? Or does Specialized make a better, longer lasting saddle than my experience suggests?

These aren’t questions for which you can expect answers from the bicycling retail coalface.

But was I looking for answers in the right place?

On occasions like this, when the people most qualified to help turn a blind ear, the Great Googling Machine is your best friend. I got to work and eventually located Specialized founder and chairman Mike Sinyard. Would he help, I wondered?

Unlikely, I thought. What CEO of a major corporate has time to listen and respond to concerns of individual customers, particularly when they’re located in a geography that, good year or bad year, is just a sales rounding error on the company spreadsheet.

How wrong I was. With a bit more time on the Googling Machine I located the email address of the man himself and explained my position.

In just two hours I received a response – Mike Sinyard had forwarded my email to his Australasian manager, who called the retailer, arranged a replacement saddle, and emailed me to say that it was ready for pickup.

Nice. Hopefully this one lasts longer.

When bike trouble brews, always go for the big coconut.

Sky TV back in the saddle

2010-03-04T00:24:00.000-08:00

-- From cycling famine to feast

At the end of last year's Tour de France I switched off Sky.

Bastards made me orienteer my way to a nondescript Mt Wellington office, where I had to deposit the decoder.

No point in gorging myself on magic moments in NRL league and irritating Sky channel promotions, I figured.

How sad is that irony? Pay for access to a network that turns out to be more saturated with advertising than free-to- air TV.

The joys of a monopoly.

Anyway, it was with surprise and pleasure to discover Sky TV's 2010 progamming plans for the upcoming European bicycle racing season.

Check it out on Ridestrong

Maybe those ads aren't so intolerable after all....

Bringing decency to nude cycling

2010-02-21T00:15:00.000-08:00

-- The cyclist’s merkin

Naked bicycle rider and natural athlete Nick Lowe has taken his case to the High Court in Wellington in a bid to overturn a conviction and $200 fine for offensive behaviour.

My initial reaction was, I suspect, like most others – c’mon people, sweat the big stuff. If he wants to ride in the buff then leave him to it.

However, comments later in the story made me wonder if there’s more to Mr Lowe than meets the eye and if, in fact, the complainant has every reason to object.

Lowe’s claims that he can exercise for about two hours before it gets too uncomfortable, at which point he uses “a lot more anti-chap cream than most,” isn’t the type of solo performance fellow competitors, or road users, should have to witness.

Rugby and league players might wonder what all the fuss is about, but to people who respect boundaries of reasonable taste and behaviour, there is no place in this country for sporting onanism.

My advice to Lowe is cover up.

And I’ve found just the thing.

The cyclist’s merkin.

Keep it hidden without losing that in the buff feeling.

There's more.

This merkin comes with a pivoting lamp for hands free illumination, and two blinking "lure" modes.

Just the thing for the sporting exhibitionist.

Fixie love

2010-02-09T23:30:00.000-08:00

-- A little something for all you haters

I love the whole fixie thing. Even tried it once.

Now I’m missing a posterior cruciate ligament. Figure I’m not really cut out for that sort of coolness.

These days my trusty Avanti’s tuned back to freewheel wretchedness and my riding style might be described as apologetic.

Looking back, it didn’t help that I’m too fat for those skinny jeans, too poor to buy a Brooks saddle, and too scared of tatts and piercing to street credibly individualise my saggy skin bag.

But, hey, I wear my street style on the inside, dude.

As a crippled outsider I’ve continued watching, often in awe of the stoic nonchalance a fixter is able to maintain running red lights, but always respectful of the whole thing they’ve got going on.

And I’m encouraged to see the occasional internet parody, like the one below, which tells me that far from being a sideshow on the distant periphery, unworthy of a single thought, fixter-ism is creeping from the fringes and into the consciousness of commentators and others a few cogs closer to, well, the mainstream.

And that’s good for everyone, I think.

Check it out. Hat tip to BikesnobNYC.

Cramped cycling style

2010-01-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

-- Is there a cure?

It begins as a large golf ball sized spasm deep in the calf muscle. Nothing too serious that can’t be managed with careful mid-bunch riding, you hope.

But as racing continues and attacking tolls mount, trouble rises up and, inevitably, larger more important cycling muscles succumb to Involuntary Spasms From Hell. Cramp so violent and shocking the rider is unable to turn a pedal. Even toes start curling under the feet. Other symptoms are disturbing for their visibility - a grotesque physical deformation of the quadriceps. The only thing left to do is brake and slump to roadside, clutching and banging your legs for mercy and relief.

And so it was for me at this weekend’s SRAM Tour de Ranges, its vicious Monument Road start unleashing a torrent of lactic acid precipitating my untimely Kaiaua Bay demise.

We knew this ‘fun ride’ would start fast. The first clue was in the flagship sponsor SRAM, which I'm told is some sort of meat flavoured super food, available only in cans, promoted by a bloke who goes by the name of Livestrong (no relation to Bikestrong).

Then, at registration, I heard the MC ’s special welcome to event ‘elite’ riders, including Team PizzaHutAvanti and their leader SuperSupreme, the Weet-Bix Ironman Guy, a recently invigorated rider from the French JustJuice team, and Team BiscuitsVoodoo, a recently launched coffee brand.

The word in the second-string peleton was that these fellas were going to blow up the race on the Monument Road hill, which they did, leaving us stragglers to fight second string battles and limit our losses.

Then the cramp, starting with the golf ball atop Monument Road. You know the rest – a sporting natural selection that kills off the weakest and slowest members of the peleton to improve the survival chances of the remainder.

I’ve plumbed Google’s depths for cramp cures. As far as I can tell I do all the right things with hydration and pre-race and racing nutrition. However, I suspect my warm-up was insufficient for the shock treatment dished up by the hilly race start, which I believe produced more lactic acid than you’d reasonably expect from a more warmed up cyclist.

Knowing that I am more prone than the average bear to cramp I also carry Cramp-Stop, which I think helped stave off more severe early stage cramps. But then it all got too much.

Questions:

Is there a cramp cure? What do you use? Are there training drills that will teach my body to better process lactic acid? Does a better warm up limit lactic acid production for violent/hilly race starts? Magic potions? Secrets?

Please share your experiences.

The year that was and 2010’s disturbing start

2010-01-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

-- 2009, year not reviewed; organised crime rides into cycling

I’m finally facing up to 2010. It’s a shock, I must say, and I feel like a failed dieter who’s been caught red handed with fist fulls of cold turkey freshly plucked from the fridge. The shame of it. But face up I must. The fridge is now empty of dead birds and the fat must go.

The important first step, I've found, is curbing Heineken abuse so that its unique formula delivers performance enhancement rather than fur to my teeth.

I’m further embarrassed to say that this lassitude took hold mid-December, at least two weeks prior to Christmas, so I wasn’t even able to finish off the year. No December Cycling Sauce (though Liz Hatch was a strong contender).

But between Christmas and New Year I forgot how to count and was unable to tally reader votes and announce a clear winner. Which is why the release of 2010 Cycling Sauce calendar has been delayed (but stay tuned). h

Chopper Guard’s 2009 personality of the year was also on the December agenda. But I got only as far as eliminating first round losers, including the rabid St Heliers Taxi driver, the jiggling Auckland City Councillor (also from St Heliers and, though quiet over the past year, deserved further consideration), and Auckland’s cyclist-hating Mayor (remember this when you next vote).

I’ll come back to all this. But before I do, a more urgent matter must be brought to your attention.

Bicycle theft. And I don’t mean opportunistic snatch and grab.

Recent events indicate that an organised group of bicycle crooks is operating in Auckland. That’s right. The secretary of east Auckland cycling club Lunn Ave Bicycle Club tells me that three members last week had bicycles stolen from their garages in the dead of night.

Other than timing (all thefts occurred over a couple of days) the spooky thing was that the thieves (thief?) eschewed other garage stuff – golf clubs, tools, blow up dolls, and even ‘lesser’ bikes – targeting only ‘higher-end’ road bikes.

Lunn Ave members, who ride the same Monday/Wednesday/Friday morning loop, wonder if they are being surreptitiously followed and their home addresses noted for future garage burglary.

It does make you wonder. A timely reminder to review bicycle security and to not worry too much about the security of unloved dolls and the like.

Should you be offered for sale or see on Trademe any of the following bikes please call the police or, better, arrange to meet the seller, render them unconscious, disrobe them, and put to work your doll.

Stolen bikes:

White/Black Merida Scultura 907 Evo (2008 Model). White handlebar tape/black hoods. Ultegra componentry and pedals. FSA 172.5mm Carbon Crankset (53/39 rings). 2 x Merida carbon bottle cages and Merida pump. Kysirium Equipe wheelset with Schwalbe tyres. VDO 3.0 Cycle computer with cadence sensor

Silver GT 08 Series 2. Compact Shimano with 12/25 on the back. Ritchey Biomax 2 Pro aluminium 38cm handlebars. Ritchey Pro 30D 9cm bike stem. Black Fi'zi:k Bar Gel tape

White/Blue Genius Squadra. Fork: Grammo Cosmo Carbon SL Ultra. Groupset Shimano Ultegra. Head Set: FSA Integrated. Grammo stem, seat post and handlebars. Shimano Ultegra wheels and Continental tyres. Saddle: Selle Sanmarco Aspide with Titanio rail. Serial number RA0302943706

Vintage Cycling t-shirts

2009-12-16T00:42:00.000-08:00

-- A little Christmas something for the rabid motorist in your life

Chopper Guard product head-to-head

2009-12-11T20:10:00.000-08:00

-- Leppin Sport Squeezy Vs PowerBar GEL

Tamaki Drive goes T2

2009-12-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

-- Back in the vehicular firing line

It was a cycle commuter haven – a warm current running parallel to the impatient line of cold hard nose-to-tail steel. The 2km bus/commuter lane between the Tamaki Yacht Club and the perilous Ngapipi Road intersection was a fine place for the rush hour cyclist.

For sure, an ear was kept out for an infrequent Nifty-Fifty and a bus or two, which I must say always treated cyclists with great care.

And what a place, that lane, to safely observe the habits of queue humping drivers: texting so few young female drivers can resist; the middle-aged accountant’s deftly folded newspaper for hands-free steering wheel presentation; and the constant detainment by one’s own rear view mirror reflection. And of course Lipstick. Apply it at 25kmh, no problem.

Driving sins they are, but more threatening to front running drivers than to cyclists minding their own business in the neighbouring lane.

But the 2km burst of rush hour cycling freedom has been snatched away.

The big white T2 tells me the lane is now accepting rush hour cars (for two hours, 7-9 a.m., and only cars carrying at least one passenger) and rabid taxi drivers.

Now what for the work-commuting cyclist? Back in the vehicular firing line, that’s what.

For long stretches there is no shoulder for safe passing.

Cars freshly liberated from their jam will revel in the clear space of T2.

In this lane cars will travel much faster – the press release says “several minutes faster”. All 250 of them every hour.

Please be nice.

Truck driver Desmond Wilson sentenced for killing cyclist

2009-11-23T23:16:00.000-08:00

-- You may have missed the two column centimetres

The final chapter of senior police officer Steve Fitzgerald’s life closed earlier this month in the Wellington District Court, where truck driver Desmond Wilson was found guilty of causing the death of Superintendent Fitzgerald through careless driving.

Judge Tom Broadmore said he was satisfied that Wilson had diverted his attention from the road and that Mr Fitzgerald was visible.

Wilson was ordered to pay Fitzgerald’s family $2000 "emotional" reparation and banned from driving for nine months.

People’s champion McCauley tweets China triumph

2009-11-21T12:32:00.000-08:00

-- Epic bowel movement eclipses Tour of Hainan fourth place

Subway Avanti rider, five times New Zealand road cycling champion and self proclaimed champion of the people (which people we’re not sure), Gordon McCauley recently finished fourth on General Classification in the UCI2.HC Tour of Hainan, China.

However, it turns out his penultimate summit push was in a toilet at the Hong Kong International Airport.

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-11-16T23:12:00.000-08:00

-- November Sauce – The over achieving Australian glamour puss mountain biker chic

Australian mountain biker, graphic designer, model and artist Niki Gudex’s world championship mountain biking achievements are dwarfed by her expertly promoted sex appeal.

Nothing sells like sex, as they say. Just ask Oakley, Scott bikes, and Castelli cycling apparel, which were so taken by Niki's facets that they each appointed her as global brand ambassador.

White Mofo range extended

2009-11-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

-- Chopper Guard wMOFO™ T-shirt range extended

Yesterday, in Parnell, Auckland, the suburb favoured by well-healed white mofos, Chopper Guard launched its wMOFO™ T-shirts.

The response has been tremendous and the first print run (10) has sold out.

Not to worry, the sweatshop is winding back into life as I write.

We’ve also taken the opportunity to expand our range.

‘Ngati white mofo’ (above) for those who really identify with their whiteness.

And (below), for the angry cyclist-hating motorist in the family (most families have one or two), ‘I love cycling mofos’

T-shirt giveaway

2009-11-11T18:50:00.000-08:00

-- A positive spin on a cheeky darkie

Yesterday we pondered Cadel Evans’ now merchandised spin on his threats to cut journalist heads off.

What a great idea, we thought, quickly turning our attention to the commercial potential of promoting grave personality defects.

While there are a few local cyclists who should consider a T-shirt of their own, Chopper Guard cast the net wider to conjure its own MOFO series, celebrating local political outcast Hone Harawira and his fun with racism.

So, here they are. $30 a piece.

Cadel Evans humour

2009-11-11T00:44:00.000-08:00

-- Buy the t-shirt, or I cut your head off

Despite a freshly minted road world champion gold medal hanging around his neck, Australian cyclist Cadel Evans is perhaps better known for his prickly outbursts and acts of violence.

In this regard, 2008 was a vintage year for Evans, when Tour de France performance expectations became too much to bear and offence became the best form of defence.

Head-butts and slapping aside, one of his more memorable outbursts was prompted by his dog Molly, whose safety was clearly threatened by marauding journalists, causing Cadel to hiss: “Don’t stand on my dog or I’ll cut your head off.”

However, it turns out that in making this statement Cadel intended no threat. The outburst was in fact a joke – Cadel humour. That’s right.

To promote his point Cadel has hired merchandisers to contextualise his outburst and exploit it, in the form of a 100% cotton limited edition t-shirt, designed and printed in Italy, to supplement his income.

His online shop assistant at cadelevans.com.au explains:

"Stage 15 in the 2008 Tour de France; Cadel had just lost the yellow jersey and was being interviewed by a journalist, Cadel jokingly quipped at someone who was getting too close to Molly..."Don`t stand on my dog or I`ll cut your head off". Thanks to some media editing the true comic nature of the comment was rarely shown."

Anyone who’s seen the clip will wonder just what sort of sneaky “media editing” might have caused them to misinterpret Cadel’s humour and miss its “true comic nature”. Just what editing trickery can contort, “Don`t stand on my dog or I’ll cut your head off".

Perhaps we’d give Cadel the benefit of the doubt if we better understood his cultural reference points. Australians are a quirky bunch.

The closest pointer to Cadel’s comedic reference points is compatriot and comedian Rodney Rude, who joked about a fella who walked into a bar and went up to another bloke and then put his hands around his own neck and made choking noises. After he did this a few times an onlooker asked him why he was doing it. He replied that the bloke’s sister had just hung herself and he was just “teasing him a bit.”

Journalists should remember this when Cadel starts waving a knife at their throats.
He’s just teasing them a bit.

Boning up on bicycle breaks

2009-11-10T20:13:00.000-08:00

-- Building strong ‘landing’ bones

Lycra and a plastic lid offer little protective comfort to riders unlucky enough to experience an involuntary road dive.

When you hit the road at 40km, something – usually a collarbone – gets broken.

Turns out that cyclists could do themselves, and their bones, a favour by cross training.

Apparently the act of cycling fails to offer riders sufficient repetitive impact to stimulate maximal bone density.

One recent study found cyclists to have lower bone density than the study control sample.

So, while cyclists are quite good at self-inflicting physical pain and suffering, the duress isn’t the variety that keeps bones in top-notch condition.

As a sporting group, we are in fact more predisposed to bone breaks than other codes, like, for example, rugby, where the hot embrace of manhandling offers a fantastic volume of repetitive impact; or league, which offers repetitive headline grabbing impact by attracting players prone to manhandling both sexes.

Direct weight bearing exercise is what’s needed. And the pure cyclist doesn’t get it perched on the saddle.

Cross training is the answer, weight training and running specifically. Mineral supplementation doesn’t work.

I put these thoughts to Lunn Ave rider and Doctor of Bicycle Engineering and Performance, Mike P. While he agrees with the sentiment, he says the study shows that not all cyclists suffer lowering bone density and the cure might be simpler than we think.

He writes -

The study suggests those affected:

- Don't do much else other than cycle

- Maybe are also cosseted by their mums and all the other modern inconveniences that minimise non-cycling effort of any type

- Are more likely to be spinners than shovers

- Maybe the big milers, but do not necessarily work really hard

- May alternatively be young, still developing skeletally, and suffering the consequences of loading brilliant natural cycling capability on top of an already demanding growing process

- Maybe professionals, sleeping twice a day, with no other interests or hard activity

Mineral loss through sweating is a factor, supplements don't solve it, and calcium uptake is reduced by a lack of vitamin D.

I suspect the answer is to eat foods high in calcium, as opposed to swallowing calcium pills. In line with my last outburst, pills appear high by chemical analysis in terms of what is required, but appear to be correspondingly low in absorbability e.g. munching down a shell off the beach might put the grams of calcium ingested right up there, but it doesn't mean the system can metabolise it as it does milk.

Ditto vitamin D. Take the pill by all means, but it might be better to expose some skin to direct sunlight for a few minutes each day. And given a cyclist's extreme requirements, make that more than one time during the day.

Bone loading is what is really required (as opposed to bone shocking, via running, as the article mainly points to). Jarring provides high peak loads of short duration, so is the most obvious fast track to getting the system to recognise the need for more bone strength, and act on it.

However, running jar-loads only some bones - but what about the rest? I doubt running will ever strengthen collarbones, and they are the first to go in a cycling pile up. The only way to strengthen "the landing bones" is to work the muscles that lever across their ends. Gym shit. And if that works, so will cycle sprints.

All that is required to increase bone strength (density) is to load the corresponding muscles. While physical shock treatment may accelerate the process, and perhaps even take it beyond what controlled loading could do, shock is not necessary. It has been shown that sedentary geriatrics exercising at snail pace with tiny weights can reduce their osteoporosis with even that bone loading, so why can't a hard-arse cyclist stay on top of bone density?

My conclusion is, the modern global encouragement that gets couch potatoes out there in flash lycra and on techno carbon has exposed the wine-set. As always, there are some short-cuts, but the reality is no real pain, no real gain. Put another way - those that mow their own grass will be just fine.

Race tapering

2009-10-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

- The case for pedaling cold turkey

The miles have been bagged and sacrifices made. Now, how to get in the best possible race day condition.

Taper, you say.

The popular practice is to reduce training volume, but maintain intensity. This way, you’ll keep your body primed with all the right enzymes to cope with race intensity.

If it’s good enough for Jonathan Vaughters it’s good enough for me.

But is this advice the product of a rampant cycling obsessive disorder that renders cyclists powerless to resist continued pedaling motion for fear of somehow losing power?

Possibly.

Doctor of Bicycle Engineering and Lunn Ave rider Mike P offers an alternative view.

He writes:

My approach is miles away.

Habitual athletes (with cyclists the most so, due to the length of both their training sessions and events) have developed a self-supporting and self-sustaining cultural excuse to avoid going pedal-cold-turkey at any stage.

Perhaps it stems from an unquestioned belief set up in our formative years, when a bit of hard training rapidly improved things for the up-coming school event.

It makes fast and even winning improvements, and therefore the corollary must be true. But not so.

So my thoughts are, as a long-term hard-training cyclist, you should have much more faith in yourself. That hard-won condition is lost at the same speed: slowly. So slowly that a week and a half of total-rest taper will have a minimal degradation factor.

But still degradation you think?

No, because there is another factor or two to consider. At the end of a totally guts-out training build-up, the immune system is at its lowest.

Muscles, tendons and ligaments have been ripped and stretched and hammered to the max. Time is required for healing (and at a point the body is least able to provide it) for scar tissue to form and then be shed.

Time to sleep, where the repair and rehabilitation is mainly done. Time to re-fuel and de-lactate to the max. Time to feel free in every joint and muscle like you can't remember. "Taper", and you interrupt the healing process.

Of course, during this time you are likely to continue eating like a cyclist (why else do we ride)? That makes the feeling of fat, the bloat, and the notching back out of the belt, feel like the pits.

Psychologically the mind goes down proportionally. And the daily fix is not there, so shit on top of shit. So the average cyclist goes and spends some of the lollies saved for Lent, and then makes great claims when a bit of the lost high returns in flashes of euphoria. And the others believe, and all go do the same - or more. So tapering continues.

So - what to do? Be tough. Really tough. Hold out on cycling. Eat to (reduced total calorie) plan, And if you over do (the eating that is), swim in sea water. Freeze it off, and at the same time (in the early stages of the shut-down), work the other muscles: the ones that cycling uses only indirectly, for cycling glycogen stores (in other words, don't be a scab-scratcher - leave the hammered part of the system alone).

Then roll to the line. If you feel like shit, feel really despondent, wonder why in such bad condition you are fronting up at all, you are in for the best performance you are likely to do.

Getting fat on food insecurity

2009-10-15T01:46:00.000-07:00

-- Pedaling insecurity for fatter research budgets

Cyclists know a thing or two about hunger.

At some stage we’ve all suffered the dreaded hunger knock and had to improvise sports training survival tactics.

But it turns out we’re not the only ones worried about sustenance.

A Canterbury Community and Public Health report says 10 per cent of New Zealand households have "low food security" and that one in 10 of us are hungry, malnourished or nervous about where our next meal is coming from.

Terrible stuff, and not just for the desperately hungry faces in our midst, but also the cruel irony of their expanding girths. The report says limited access to culturally acceptable foods encourages the consumption of high-sugar, cheap and filling foods.

Turns out the fear of not being able to eat makes us eat more of the wrong stuff.

Otago University Health Economist Des O'Dea is on to this and has already floated his cure - the Food Insecurity Card, making the right foods cheaper and, so the theory goes, reducing our anxiety and propensity for fattening foods.

But, like the hungry cyclist, the one in 10 New Zealanders gripped by food insecurity won’t be reassured knowing that carrots and cauliflower are now on permanent special.

Anyone steering down the barrel of sugar low is seduced by the closest convenience food wrapper.

Forget about health foods.

No one, least of all the anxiously hungry, is interested.

They’d rather eat burgers and get scurvy than entertain archaic practices of vegetable-based food preparation.

"Low food security" is the concoction of a cardigan wearing researcher punting for new funding.

Food has never been as abundantly available, which is why New Zealanders are so fat.

Try researching ways to get people off their arses.

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-10-11T00:57:00.000-07:00

-- October Sauce – The Cykelkongen girl

Big ups to Danish online cyclery Cykelkongen, whose nautically themed latex mash-up is this month's clear winner.

The Google Monkeys in the department of translation services tell me the picture title is in fact the Danish translation of Beverly Hills Cop. Only, the English translation of their translation apparently reads Illegally cocky.

I’m unsure what to make of all this. And its relevance to online bicycle retailing remains a mystery. Nevertheless, this sort of detail shouldn't complicate our celebration of bicycle marketing excellence.

Striking for cyclist safety

2009-10-05T01:15:00.000-07:00

-- Unions to the rescue

Ordinarily, I don’t pay much attention to unions. Too many of these types, aw-right.

However, the squalid small mindedness of union organisers and their close cousins, rabid taxi drivers, can sometimes be revealing.

The protracted dispute between NZ Bus (including Metrolink, North Star, Go West, Waka Pacific, LINK and City Circuit services, used by 80,000 Aucklanders everyday) and the Combined Union (representing Auckland bus drivers) has moved a stage closer to custard, with a union issued directive for a work-to-rule day, this Thursday.

This, I gather, is designed to put more pressure on NZ Bus to “come to the table” by delaying normal services, as bus drivers take their time to “follow the company's handbook to the letter.”

I figure we’re safe assuming that under normal circumstances drivers don’t follow the company’s handbook. After all, if sticking to the rules is being used by unions as an instrument of coercion, not following the rules must be business as usual.

So it’s worth looking at the rules and mulling the implications of NZ Bus’s business as usual endorsement of their breaking.

In accordance with the work-to-rule notice drivers will not:

- Sign on to commence a shift of work earlier than required. (No problems. Who likes starting work early?)

- Adhere to the media communication policy as it is prescribed in the NZ Bus Operator reference handbook dated March 2008 and will speak to the media without specific authority of the board of directors. (Fine, knock yourselves out).

- Drive any bus, which is without a working radio telephone. (Business as usual: Some buses are without working RTs).

- Drive any bus, which is without a current certificate of fitness or a current road user certificate. (Business as usual: If it goes, drive it. Certificates are so overrated)

- Drive any bus, which has a safety defect the driver is aware of. (Business as usual: Safety smafety. If it goes, drive it.)

Drivers will:

- At the commencement of their shift, carry out full pre-shift bus checks as described on the defect card supplied with each bus. (Business as usual: Checks smecks. If it goes, drive it)

- Spend 5 minutes at the end of every time-tabled trip carrying out full terminal duties, including lost property checks, using toilet facilities if required by the driver or service person operator, performing stretching exercises and preparing the bus for the return journey (Bummer. ‘Lost’ property is one of the perks of the job. I’m sure absentminded commuters will be much more at ease this Thursday. Oh, and don’t forget to take a toilet stop and a stretch. There’s nothing more dangerous than a tense bus driver holding on till the end of the line.)

- If there are no toilet facilities available at any terminal at the time a driver or service person operator requires them, then he or she will comply with the policy as it is prescribed in the NZ Bus Operator Reference Handbook March 2008 at clause 9.12 (Wonder what this is? Activate the special emergency trapdoor?)

- Keep to all lawful speed limits (Business as usual: Speed limits are for eejits)

On reflection, I’m a big fan of the Combined Union. Because, as a bicycle riding work commuter, nothing scares me more than sharing the road with poorly checked and maintained buses driven at illegal speeds by overworked and tense bus drivers busting for the toilet.

Postponed: GBC's Spring Tweed Run

2009-10-01T15:04:00.000-07:00

-- Inclement weather sees organisers pull the pin on Saturday's event

New date to be advised, say organisers.

Guy King: Tallying up Tamaki Drive cycling sins

2009-09-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

-- Not happy: St Heliers/Glendowie Residents' Association member Guy King (pictured).

When a young female driver inexplicably accelerated through a stop sign into the midst of 20 or so Tamaki Drive cyclists, hospitalising four of them, one of whom remains in an induced coma fighting for life, Mr King said he didn’t know who was to blame for the crash.

Presumably, in the rush for a clipboard and one of those scout masterly idiotic clicking counters I suspect he used to capture, document, and then broadcast (albeit in print media) his evidence of Tamaki Drive Cyclist Sins (TDCS), sympathy for injured cyclists was the last thing on his mind.

“I have started counting and the biggest group has been 52 cyclists in one hit, riding three abreast," he said.

I was genuinely impressed by his powers of observation, knowing just how hard it is to accurately tally a marauding three-abreast bunch of cyclists.

Consider that many motorists struggle to see, let alone count, just one cyclist.

But Guy King is no ordinary contender. In the 10 years he’s spent escorting VIP visitors to New Zealand shores, he’s received a number of professional accolades for his professionalism and CARE.

However, as a self-professed former cyclist, it seems his care and professionalism is no longer extended to cyclists, who doubtless impede the progress of his preferred commuting style.

Perhaps during one of his Bentley parades, when cyclists overtook his cavalcade of waving dignitaries and VIPs, he was able to point a radar gun to measure the dangerously high speeds Tamaki Drive cyclists sometimes attain.

I have seen cyclists speeding, he said, frantically thumbing his Dignitary Personal Protection handbook for the right procedure.

Safety and discretion at all times please, Mr King.

The boil has burst

2009-09-28T15:50:00.000-07:00

-- Septic origins trace a distinctly New Zealand streak of vicious intolerance.

The recent collision between Tamaki Drive cyclists and a car doesn’t need further examination here.

But its fetid aftermath shows us for what we are – mean spirited knuckle-heads. The trait squirms under the skin like an angry caterpillar struggling to burst free and eat away decency.

It’s quite strange. We’re good at hiding it from international visitors, who consistently tell us that we’re the friendliest bunch of people they’ve ever met.

Maybe we are, until we hit the road and the caterpillar squirms and intolerance takes hold.

NZ travel guides should come with a warning – the whole friendly thing is a ruse. PR behind which innate spitefulness simmers.

If the silent conversations of road users took voice an awful din of threats and abuse would drown out almost everything: “I’ll show you. I’ll teach you a lesson. Shouldn’t be on the road.” And a thousand other variations.

Why does New Zealand road travel gas common decency and respect?

Do we have large bags of crisps on our shoulders, like the Aussies say? An inferiority complex of small angry man proportions looking for a vent. And what better place than the road, where might is right and little lessons and shows of indignation are so easily dished out.

It’s time we grew up.

We don’t need more laws or special provisions.

Just maturity.

We’re all the same people, just traveling by different means.

Look out for one another and accept that the vast majority of road users are decent people just trying to get some place, without inconveniencing or injuring anyone on the way.

Breathe in breathe out, enjoy the trip and if, along the way, you are inconvenienced, try smiling and waving instead of improvising a demonstration of anger.

Everyone be cool. Be nice. Show respect.

Chopper Guard photo caption competition

2009-09-21T01:52:00.000-07:00

-- World Naked Bike Ride – San Fran: Mum, kids and the chariot of naked doom

One day poor little Johnny will look back on this day and smile.

But only after he’s been rehabilitated from his homeless years of self-harm and crack addiction induced by the shame and degradation of his mother’s naked whimsy.

Post your picture caption ideas in the comments section.

Best caption receives a free copy of Chopper Guard’s Cycling Sauce 2010 calendar.

Cycling clubs riding to oblivion

2009-09-18T02:15:00.000-07:00

-- The world’s moved on, but why haven’t cycling clubs?

I’m told clubs in many sporting codes struggle to attract and retain members.

One theorist attributed the problem to the casualisation of sport. People would rather participate on their own terms, avoiding seemingly pointless club codes, diktats and invisible benefits.

Why complicate access to something as simple as weekend bicycle racing?

Perhaps this is why rides like ‘Round Taupo’, K1/2 and so on are so popular. Pay the entry fee and participate. Simple.

But not so for club racing. First, you must join the club before enjoying the privilege of paying individual race fees (though I understand Counties Manukau, for example, allows cyclists to participate in three races before membership is required).

What’s wrong with keeping things simple and paying an unfettered race entry fee? Like triathlon, a runaway success, which, as far as I know, bar NZ rep level races, lets anyone with an entry fee race. Lord knows, given the logistics and health and safety issues that come with policing three sporting disciplines in a single race, they could do with the extra money ‘club’ membership brings in.

But simple cycling is not.

One recent race enquiry served to illustrate the self-defeating anachronism club cycling administration has become. A flyer for Cycling Auckland 2009 Open Road Champs (and good luck trying to find online information about it) appeared in my email inbox.

Great, I thought. I’d like to race that weekend. $20 entry. Fine. But I have to stipulate my club. Don’t have one, nor do I have a CNZ license. So I ring the organiser, who impatiently tells me that I need to cough up $160 for a CNZ license, which will, in any case, expire in November. “Makes it an expensive race,” he said. I agreed and asked if there was a workaround. There wasn’t.

Cycling has never been so popular. ‘Clubs’ could do themselves a favour if they for a minute stopped obsessing about administration and took the time to understand the needs and habits of the many thousand enthusiastic cyclists who would happily pay an entry fee to a weekend race, if only it were that easy.

Or have I missed something? A marvelous additional benefit of club membership?

Glendowie Bicycle Club (GBC) Spring Tweed Run

2009-09-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

-- Gentlemen, lady-members. Bring your bicycles and your panache - organiser

The Spring Tweed Run: 2:30 p.m., Saturday 3 October, Reef Bar, Mission Bay.

The inaugural GBC ride, undertaken last March and promoted as the ‘Gentlemen's Ride’ (though with a cheery “Hello Ladies”), was a stirring success and turned discerning heads all the way along Auckland’s waterfront.

GBC’s Chairman Mike says re-branding the event Tweed Run avoids gender issues and spotlights the importance of rider panache and fashion sense.

“The bicycling movement has been enslaved to garish fashion, accessorising and fleshy contours. We want to reclaim the glory of the bicycle and celebrate its raw understated beauty – everything that is good and right,” Chairman Mike says.

The March ride’s celebrity drawcard, Gemma Atkinson, who failed to show, has this time not been invited.

Astarloza EPO

2009-09-13T02:06:00.000-07:00

-- I’ve picked on Tom and antagonized Cadel

Only because they deserved it: Cadel, for his grave personality defects, and, Tom, for being a boone-head. There I go again.

But just as Cadel was due for another dummy spit, along comes Euskaltel-Euskadi's Mikel Astarloza, arresting our attention like man boobs on a motorbike.

"I know that I have not taken anything prohibited," Astarloza said, when his positive test for EPO was announced shortly after this year’s Tour de France.

One day after the counter-analysis confirmation, he said: "I'm completely innocent," adding: "Unfortunately, I can't prove it.” (Probably because you’re guilty, Mikel).

His team said in a statement that it “is not surprised at this result…. and trusts in the rider's innocence.”

But not enough to stop them suspending Astarloza from the team.

Now, of course, Astraloza is very unhappy. “I'm very unhappy.”

As is his sponsor Euskaltel-Euskadi, who faces a second positive for EPO in barely a month, after former Dauphine Libere winner Inigo Landaluze failed an anti-doping test for the same banned substance.

Now ex-pro and lawyer José Rodriguez has stepped in, saying Astarloza's problems stem from training in a hyperbaric tent, which replicates the effects of altitude training and stimulates the natural production of red blood cells (the same thing EPO does much better).

Maybe Rodriguez practices from a tent.

The problem is not Astarloza's red blood cells - it's the properties of synthetic EPO in his blood.

Merckx drugs could kill small horse - Specialized

2009-09-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

-- Double glazed reception doors provide transparency of sorts, but in these times of interconnectivity and openness, people want to see deep into the belly of brands they deal with.

While some corporate brands tiptoe into tweets and employ more PhD-qualified call centre operators unafraid to deviate from scripts, most still pine for the safety of weasel words and sanitised pompousness.

However, occasionally, examples of refreshing candour and long leashes extended to company spokespeople offer new hope to nosy consumers.

Responding to my “sarcastic” email, the honesty of this Specialized representative should be revered.

Honestly, I am impressed.

Respect.

From: store_customerservic@specialized.com

I think you meant to send that sarcastic email to Quickstep. We sponsor Quickstep. Quickstep is the team that Tom Boonen rides for. They pay his salary. They are the ones who stepped up with legal help. It was the CAS who let him ride, so maybe you should email them too.

If you think Boonen ruined cycling integrity you must be new to the sport. Drug use and cycling go hand in hand! Even Eddy Merckx was on enough steroids and amphetamines to kill a small horse. What's worse is he was doing it during competition to gain an advantage!! Come to think of it.......several of the last Tour De France winners have had their titles stripped from them for testing positive. Oh hey, where are Kohl and Valverde this year? Oh, that's right....they got busted for performance enhancing drugs and weren't allowed to race.

Don't get me wrong, I totally object to Boonen testing positive for cocaine. I am opposed to drug use in any way. I do think that getting your party on after winning the Queen of the Classics is a little different than flat out cheating. If you want to credit riders with ruining the integrity of the sport there are plenty of people in line ahead of Boonen. I would start pointing fingers at them first.

I do agree with you. I feel like the sport of cycling has had its integrity compromised, but I don't think it was Boonen who did it. While what he is going through really bums me out, I get a lot more bummed out by people I looked at as heroes getting busted for cheating. Pro cycling is very bittersweet. I still have a couple heroes left and I am keeping my fingers crossed that they won't end up dopers. Hopefully the testing will get stronger than new doping technologies. Sadly, there is no money to made in testing and tons of money to be made in cheating.

I hope Tom being in the Tour this year doesn't sour you on it. It promises to be an exciting/drama filled event.

The beatings shall continue

2009-09-04T01:58:00.000-07:00

-- Will MOT step in?

Fear is a gift. It stops us from doing things that jeopardize our safety.

Fear also stops the vast majority of New Zealand’s 1.5 million bike owners from riding to work.

We don’t want to get hit.

And while the risk of an incident isn’t particularly high, the likely consequences of a collision are so brutal (at least for the cyclist) we don’t even want to go there.

So we don’t and the bike stays in the garage.

What to do?

The practical folks at Bike New Zealand are on the case and looking to work with Ministry of Transport on the 10-year road safety strategy, which will, we hope, establish a law requiring the preservation of a 1.5m safe passing distance between cars and cyclists.

The threat of a fine for passing too closely might make a difference, though I reckon the associated publicity and awareness of the legislative process, should it go ahead, might make the biggest difference.

I guess we’ll see.

At the least it will reduce the cyclist fear factor and hopefully encourage more people to dust off their bikes. This, on its own, has proven to make cycling safer – the more cyclists on the road the safer it gets.

On this matter you should sign the online petition to add weight to Bike New Zealand’s submission.

Road safety’s a funny thing. They say you never see the one that gets you. Just ask Beijing Olympic gold medallist and Argentinean sporting hero Walter Perez, who while cycle training with a group on the Autopiste del Oeste, one of the few roads in Buenos Aires that riders consider safe enough to train on, was run off the road, beaten and arrested by Police.

Turns out the road is a six-lane highway which, by law, is not open to pedestrians or cyclists. But because Buenos Aires roads are so dangerous to ride on, the area's cyclists frequently risk being run off by the gendarmes in order to train on the highway.

And we reckon we’ve got it bad.

In other cases beatings are well and truly deserved.

And I put it to you that these two (below), who I’m embarrassed to say are Kiwis, should be beaten. The inventors of the foldable electric Yike Bike have, in their infinite wisdom, mounted the handlebars BEHIND the seat. And then there’s the small matter of looking like a complete tosser riding it.

The beatings shall continue

Food for thought

2009-09-03T16:36:00.000-07:00

-- Lining up for NZ's Food Insecurity Card

Des O'Dea
Health Economist
Otago University

Dear Des

I must say your food insecurity card is a tasty idea.

Especially for a fat guy like me, who struggles to resist calorie dense options, like mince and cheese pies and butter chicken.

Mmmmm. You see, I’m salivating already.

Anyway, I see that it’s only available to “low and middle-income families” which puts it out of my reach (by global health and government standards I’m fat and rich).

You say the starved of cash tend to high-energy foods.

Frankly, though, in my high-income experience I’ve never consumed so many calories. When you’ve got money to spend you go for the good (bad) stuff.

I figure the assumption is that my high-income status makes me smarter and less prone to fast-food temptation than low-income types. Yes?

So, putting the food insecurity card into my soft sweaty hand would be a waste. I should know better.

But then I think back to my University days (not so long ago) when I really was starved of cash (and, strangely, much skinnier than I am today), and reflect on the satisfaction that came from making rice, chuck steak and peas so darn tasty.

Which I guess poses the question:

Is effectively lowering the price of “healthy foods”, by using things like your insecurity card, going to change anything for low-income earners, who it seems are much like high-income earners and don’t really care about healthy eating options or obesity?

Food for thought.

On a different track, have you thought about subsidizing bicycle ownership?

Get more of us on to bikes, which is known to melt lard from saggy behinds.

Might also help with easing congestion and reducing CO2 emissions.

A much healthier carrot in my mind.

Yours in insecurity

Lester

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-09-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

-- September Sauce – The Klein Bicycles Girl

Klein Bikes founder Gary Klein pioneered the oversized tube aluminium bicycle . In 1995 his company was purchased by Trek, who, according to industry gossip, plans to discontinue supporting Klein.

In the meantime, Gary’s shifted his focus to manufacturing an altogether different kind of oversized tube – the telescope.

This Klein enthusiast (above), enjoying a nice day at the beach, subtly evinces the joy of oversized tubing.

Boonen cocaine positive demystified

2009-08-27T18:43:00.000-07:00

-- Just who can you trust?

Boonen’s third cocaine positive tested his lawyers’ powers of spin.

There was talk of suspect handshaking and spiked drinks.

But no mention of Tom’s spiked ball.

Sky TV tunes in to cycling

2009-08-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

-- Tour of Britain coverage on the schedule

News just in - Sky TV has published its September schedule, showing rather chunky coverage of The Tour of Britain.

This is rather good news for New Zealand's 1.3 million cyclists, who aren't satisfied with a TV diet restricted to July's Tour de France and a 1-hour Paris-Roubaix highlights package.

I'd point you to the schedule, but Sky's website is so poxy I'm unable to find it. Their two monkeys on the lose at Sky's Mt Wellington call centre couldn't much help, either.

Thankfully there are other ways.

Fingers crossed tour coverage will bump off air at least a few episodes of rugby league's past golden moments. Arrghh!

Stage 1 Highlights 9/13/09 Noon Sport 3 1
Stage 2 Highlights 9/14/09 13:00 Sport 3 2
Stage 2 Highlights 9/15/09 03:00 Sport 1 2
Stage 3 Highlights 9/15/09 12:30 Sport 3 3
Stage 3 Highlights 9/15/09 18:30 Sport 2 3
Stage 3 Highlights 9/15/09 22:30 Sport 3 3
Stage 4 Highlights 9/16/09 13:00 Sport 3 4
Stage 4 Highlights 9/16/09 20:30 Sport 3 4
Stage 5 Highlights 9/17/09 13:00 Sport 3 5
Stage 5 Highlights 9/17/09 17:30 Sport 1 5
Stage 5 Highlights 9/17/09 23:30 Sport 3 5
Stage 6 Highlights 9/18/09 13:00 Sport 1 6
Stage 6 Highlights 9/18/09 23:30 Sport 3 6
Stage 7 Highlights 9/19/09 10:30 Sport 1 7
Stage 7 Highlights 9/19/09 14:30 Sport 3 7
Stage 7 Highlights 9/19/09 21:30 Sport 3 7
Stage 8 Highlights 9/20/09 14:00 Sport 3 8
Stage 8 Highlights 9/20/09 22:00 Sport 3 8

Another good reason to cycle

2009-08-25T18:02:00.000-07:00

-- Running out of petrol won’t cost you a thing

Cycling will seem even better with the rubber stamping of a Transport Agency bylaw fining motorists for running out of steam anywhere on Auckland’s 72.7km motorway network.

Not that cyclists are big users of Auckland motorways. Or are they?

Anyway, that’s not to say cyclists don’t run out of fuel. And when they do, the results can be hideous and, frankly, deserving of financial penalty. The guy below, a professional road cyclist, forgot to eat and within minutes found himself pulling this stunt.

Riders with more panache are able to adapt and rise above fuel depravation. With the right kind of eye, roadsides offer a veritable treasure trove of sustenance.

Heineken – abundantly available on New Zealand roadsides and ocean bottoms

For the better prepared, there are a range of stronger chemical enhancers – like testosterone – popular with South African trans-gender athletes. Some advice – female cyclists: be sure to practice speaking like Cadel Evans and you won't give yourselves away.

Cadel speaks like a girl. Could it be drugs?

Quite possibly, if this photo of Cadel, taken at Silence Lotto's 2008 end-of-season karaoke competition, is anything to go by.

Another magic moment in sport

2009-08-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

-- Somewhere near Auckland’s waterfront

Earlier today, Chopper Guard attended a top-secret waterfront photo shoot for the launch of a new fixie range.

Here I was expecting a despairing encounter with anxious creatives herding tattooed rabble more interested in bike bingo.

But, no. Hell no.

Finally, a manufacturer who gets it.

The secret to increasing bicycle sales is getting more chicks on bikes.

Chicks want to look hot (like this one) when they ride.

They won’t if they don’t.

And when hot chicks ride past pavement lubbers they'll want to ride bikes, too.

Simple.

Tell me the name of the manufacturer and be in to win Chopper Guard’s Cycle Sauce 2010 calendar.

You can beat an egg

2009-08-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

-- But you can't beet-a-root

Chopper Guard readers were first to learn about the performance enhancing effects of Heineken. Now here’s something else for your nutrition regime. Beetroot. That’s right. Nitrates contained in beetroot juice boost stamina by reducing the oxygen cost of exercise. Get into it.

'Careless' truckie: Update 2

2009-08-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

-- Desmond Wilson, 45, on trial for running down and killing senior police officer Steve Fitzgerald (pictured above), said there was no cyclist in front of him

I figure that means Wilson just didn't see Fitzgerald as he swung his trailer unit into the 1.5 metre shoulder in which Fitzgerald was cycling.

The bump later noted by Wilson, who thought it was a traffic island, was Fitzgerald being crushed under the wheels of the articulated truck.

Now the courts will decide if Wilson is guilty (he pleaded not guilty) to the charge of careless driving causing death.

Presumably it's not criminal to drive on a shoulder, if you don't hit anyone doing it. So I figure the outcome is down to arguing about whether failing to 'see' is 'careless'.

The area was lit and Fitzgerald's bike had front and rear lights. Hardly facts supporting Fitzgerald's invisibility.

Let's assume Wilson isn't blind and possesses the vision satisfying standards for licensed drivers.

In which case he is careless.

Perhaps his driving directly reflects the attitude of the CEO of NZ Trucking Association, Rodney Auton, who believes cyclist shouldn't be on the road. "Our view is move the cyclists off the road where all will be safer and we are lobbying that with Government constantly"

It's this attitude - cyclists shouldn't be on the road - that is probably most responsible for vehicle/cyclist accidents. Because when that's how drivers think, that's how they drive, and the thin grey line between safety and 'accident' is crossed. And there's never any argument when it's cyclist versus vehicle.

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-08-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

-- August Sauce – The Felt Bicycles Cruiser Girl

We should be thankful that Felt cycles founder Jim Felt, who made a name for himself in motocross as an ace mechanic, is now dedicated to the purer form of two wheels. Cruising, once the sordid domain of public toilets and fat necked scoutmasters, is now ripe for the hot embrace of mainstream cycling enthusiasts. Thanks Jim!

A revolutionary breakthrough in cycling endurance nutrition!

2009-07-29T00:54:00.000-07:00

-- Get your next generation adaptogens now!!

Why are we suckers for nutritional witchcraft? Science be damned. Give me any day the pill form of herbs and spices Amazonian pygmies have for 250 years rubbed on their loins before the full moon rave and chicken slaughter.

Marketers have successfully commercialised this kink of human nature – a helpless attraction to unproven claims and hyperbole. Millions are being made from the promise of improbable gains.

Lord knows, I’ve been there myself, believing that somehow I can short circuit hard work and experience the miracle edge delivered by two pills, containing the grinds of a mythical sounding root extract, taken three times daily with meals.

Maybe if we better understood the psychology of this voodoo attraction we’d force manufacturers to better substantiate their claims.

Who better to get to the bottom of this ruse than Lunn Ave rider and Doctor of Bicycle Engineering Mike P.

He writes…….I just had to reef off. Can't help it. Because deficient and spasmodically variable diets still work for sedentary life, we probably never know until we cycle hard, that they were. One thing is for sure though, a properly balanced diet is a must if top level extended performance is required.

But how to assemble it, is the question. The answer for most is to grab "the products". They promise it all, and list so much bio-blurb we tire reading it, and just say Yes! YeS! YES! I must have it! And then the pill and powder popping becomes encouragingly placebic, and maybe even beneficial, especially if we had just depleted one or more of the harder to replace but fairly necessary micro-unknowns.

(We then become equally unwitting and enthusiastic peddlers for the product, even though the chance of our personal deficiency aligning with those of our associates is low.) So, why am I going on again? Because I read some stuff on vitamin C absorption that identifies that although a vitamin C pill carries mega vitamin C compared to an orange or a kiwifruit, the real food delivers in inverse proportion.

Extrapolating on that hugely (as my view is "Why not?") a balanced diet of minimally processed food is the real means to get the intake levels right. And better to fiddle with that, in the first place, than just estimate, then top-off with supplements.

But how to fiddle with any accuracy? My view, again, and it's just a hunch based on The Naked Ape etc, is that stuff just tastes great, when you really need it, and ever blander, when you don't.

This is my view on the food part of heavy training. Of course if I can get it there or thereabouts, toping off with supplements near race day, and when I next ride the Tour then it just becomes a be-sure to be-sure as opposed to an obsessive compulsive superstitious ritual. Do it the other way round - supplement up, and eat haphazardly - is not only not so good in terms of absorbability, it is likely to mask the taste-hunt.

So, yeah I will buy the stuff, but only for use after I work out on my primary (which I will spend the $128's on first). Hey - don't take this as a rejection of first-endurance etc. Far from it. When we earn, best we use the good shit.

Boonen’s Tour back on, by a nose (and a handshake)

2009-07-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

-- Boonen can’t say no to cocaine; Tour organisers can’t say no to Boonen

Dear Quick Step

Just a quick note congratulating you on Tom Boonen’s reinstatement to cycling’s showpiece, the Tour de France.

It’s a great credit to you and your fine legal representatives that you were able to fix Tom’s drug addiction so quickly and convince Tour organisers that nose candy shouldn't interfere with professional sport.

(I suspect that he doesn't actually engage in all that ghastly snorting - rather, he gets his fix with a handshake - works in has favour).

Finally, cycling is coming around to what baseball has known for years: sporting integrity is so last century.

Yours in fondness and admiration.

Lester

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-07-01T20:54:00.000-07:00

-- July Sauce – The Kreitler Rollers Girl

Kreitler founder Al Kreitler was rarely seen without his Yorkie, named Killer, stuffed down the front of his shirt. Naturally, for a bloke who spent 40 years mostly alone in his workshop, Yorkie was the obvious choice to spearhead Al’s marketing strategy. Since Al’s passing in 2001, Kreitler marketing has turned over a new leaf and settled on an entirely different creature to promote the benefits of rollers. Woof!

Aussie cyclists threatened with jail

2009-06-19T03:18:00.000-07:00

-- What the bloody hell's going on over there? Five years in jail or a $68,000 fine if they kill or seriously injure

What's going on in Australia and why are their cyclists being threatened with jail?

Law makers say cycling is becoming a "legitimate form of transport" and the Government will "come down hard on bad behaviour because there is a real consequence".

They reckon the new penalties will "help police tackle reckless riding by cyclists, and reduce the likelihood of pedestrians, other cyclists or drivers suffering serious injury."

Drivers suffering serious injury, caused by cyclists? Really?

Apparently legislators were spurred into action when cyclist William Raisin-Shaw was fined just $400 for colliding with 77 year-old pedestrian James Gould, who later died.

I'd love to know the penalties dished out to Australian drivers who, in the fifteen years from 1991 to 2005, killed 665 cyclists. How many of these drivers spent time in jail or coughed up $68,000?

If Aussie drivers are penalised anything like Kiwi drivers I bet most of them can't even remember what it feels like to be slapped with a wet buss ticket.

Just the other day Waipu truck driver Ian Donald McLean, 51, who struck and killed a cyclist - his second conviction for careless driving causing death - escaped a jail sentence, and instead received community detention and an order to stay at home every day between 8pm and 7am.

Oh, the suffering. (He did, however, have to perform 200 hours' community work and pay $5000 as reparation to Miss MacDonald's family. And he was disqualified from holding or obtaining a driver's licence for 14 months). Still, doesn't really compare to the dark prison cell awaiting Australian cyclists though, does it.

And Mt Maunganui truck driver Kerry Bradley, 62, who smashed into a promising young cycling star competing in a major road race, destroying her hopes of international success, received 80 hours community work and was disqualified from driving for six months.

It's cyclists being maimed and killed by drivers - not the other way around.

If law makers now consider cycling legitimate transport shouldn't they be passing laws to better protect cyclists?

Why waste time concocting laws policing a group of road users representing largely imagined risks?

Even Texan legislators seem to get it.

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-06-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

-- June Sauce – The Bianchi girl

June Cycling Sauce winner Bianchi makes it an Italian three-peat. Limar Helmets took out April; Wheelsbike owns May; and in a rather delightful act of community marketing 2.0, Bianchi sauces up June. Regimented branding guidelines are so 1995.

Specialized responds!

2009-05-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

-- An email reply from Cody, Specialized Customer Service/Online Store, 1137 South 3800 West, Salt Lake City UT 84104. 877-808-8154

Lester,

Thanks for the e-mail and the support.

I have forwarded your e-mail on to the appropriate dept.

Thanks

Cody

Specialized cocaine help

2009-05-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

-- A letter to Specialized: store_customerservice@specialized.com

Dear Specialized

I am writing to tell you that I think Tom Boonen might be addicted to drugs and needs urgent help.

I know right now that Team Quick-Step is "working closely with team sponsors” (that's you), but could you also please help Tom.

His lawyer Luc Deleu says Tom is wise and aware of the consequences.

So I figure Tom’s second cocaine bust in 12 months means that his dependency has addled his capacity rational thought.

Like, he knew the consequences but did it anyway.

I think this is called drug addiction.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big fan of Tom's despite his repeated suspensions for cocaine use. Hell, I even ride Specialized.

(And I have to say that Tom’s recent Paris Roubaix victory seems all the more impressive now knowing that his system was clogged with cocaine residue – a known cardiovascular inhibitor. Imagine how much he’d have won by if he rode clean).

Please do your best to clean up Tom.

Yours in fondness and diminishing admiration.

Lester

WheelsBike responds!

2009-05-10T01:41:00.000-07:00

-- An email reply from Max Alberti, Wheelsbike

Dear Lester

Name of Testimonial is Melita Toniolo, famous due to an italian reality show.

You can search by yourself in google typewriting her name to get any kind of information.

Thanks for your contact and hop [sic] you will get eberything [sic] you are searching.

Bye, Max

Buon giorno from New Zealand

2009-05-10T01:17:00.000-07:00

-- A letter to May Cycling Sauce winner WheelsBike

Dear WheelsBike

I am writing to tell you about your growing international reputation.

I am a member of a local Auckland New Zealand cycling club and each month we celebrate our favourite bicycle advertising.

Our special interest is wheel-women (bicycle lovelies, as we call them) and I am pleased to tell you that your handiwork - the bella donna on your website - is the May winner.

What is this lovely girl’s name? Are you still in contact with her? Where is she now? Were you at the photo-shoot? Did it drive new sales? Will you put all the photos on flickr?

Also, we were hoping you could send us a poster, or cardboard cut-out, of your rather marvellous advertising girl.

Please let me know and I'll send you our postage details.

In the meantime, keep up the great work.

Ci vidiamo.

Lester

Rehabilitating Boonen

2009-05-10T00:30:00.000-07:00

-- Letter to Quick-Step

Dear Quick-Step

I am writing to tell you that I think Tom Boonen might be addicted to drugs and needs urgent help.

I understand right now Team Quick-Step is "working closely with team sponsors” (that's you), but could you also please help Tom.

His lawyer Luc Deleu says Tom is wise and aware of the consequences.

So I figure Tom’s second cocaine bust in 12 months means that his dependency has addled his capacity rational thought.

Like, he knew the consequences but did it anyway.

I think this is called drug addiction.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big fan of Tom's despite his repeated suspensions for cocaine use.

(And I have to say that Tom’s recent Paris Roubaix victory seems all the more impressive now knowing that his system was clogged with cocaine residue – a known cardiovascular inhibitor. Imagine how much he’d have won by if he rode clean).

Please do your best to clean up Tom.

Yours in fondness and diminishing admiration.

Lester

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-04-30T02:15:00.000-07:00

-- May Sauce – The WheelsBike girl

I’m a growing fan of Italian marketing best practice. Last month Italian helmet maker Limar turned Chopper Guard heads. This month our readers said a big to si si to Italian wheel maker WheelsBike. Why spend money on a fancy name when pictures say it so much better.

This guy

2009-04-29T14:11:00.000-07:00

-- Seeing is believing

Everything is alright when you're on a bike.

The Great Meltdown

2009-04-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

-- It will melt lard from arses.

I agree with The Chap. Society has become sick with some nameless malady of the soul. We have become the playthings of corporations intent on converting our world into a gargantuan shopping precinct. (Read the full Chap manifesto here. Bloody brilliant).

And this was written before The Great Meltdown and acceptance that we've been living beyond our means, gripped by sad-arsed consumption promoted and now popularly discounted by economic machinery deafened by clacking for a bigger gear.

But the fan is splattering brown stuff and question marks hover above our personal stoutness.

Do we even possess the ability to function in the harshness of the new reality, our respiratory passages a sneeze away from choking on swine flu phlegm?

Worse, how will we cope when empty wallets ruin the joy of decisions, like, “Tonight, will it be a cheeky Sav or chardonnay?” Raw choices between offal and budget mince (forget about pork), deprivation and self-correction are fast distancing these once disposable opportunities, soon to be forgotten specks as the The Great Sorting rises up and divides mice from men.

In contemplating the imminent expose' of society’s cottage cheese thighs, inspiration is found in sturdy individuals who willingly test their mettle in unconventional ways. These are the souls who will shake this country from its malaise and put us back on the right track.

Let me draw your attention to these gentlemen. Surely leaders this country needs right now.

Limar Helmets responds!

2009-04-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

-- Auto-responder

Thank you for contacting LIMAR helmets.

We will contact you very shortly.

Ciao

LIMAR - The Helmet Specialist

Buon giorno from New Zealand

2009-04-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

-- A letter to April Cycling Sauce winner Limar Helmets

Hello there from New Zealand

Our special interest is wheel-women (bicycle lovelies, as we call them) and we celebrate the winning nominations in a monthly posting called Cycling Sauce. I am pleased to tell you that your handiwork was chosen for April Cycling Sauce.

What is this lovely girl’s name? Are you still in contact with her? Where is she now? Were you at the photo-shoot? Did it drive new sales? Will you put all the photos on flickr?

Also, we are about to open a gentlemen’s bicycle club. One wall has been allocated to Chopper Guard bicycle lovelies. So we were hoping you could send us a poster, or magazine cover, of your rather marvellous advertising girls.

Please let me know and I'll send you our postage details.

In the meantime, keep up the great work.

Thanks and regards,

Lester

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-04-07T01:36:00.001-07:00

-- April Sauce – The Limar Helmets girl

Hat head never looked so good. Italian manufacturer Limar – bringing elegance and subtle sexiness to the dull and boring world of helmet making.

What is there to say?

2009-03-25T01:59:00.000-07:00

It's Your Ride from Cinecycle on Vimeo.

Watch it (turned up loud) and scream on the inside. This is why we ride. You can't get that feeling anywhere else.

The great New Zealand cycleway

2009-03-16T02:01:00.000-07:00

-- It won’t fix the economy, but it’s on the right track

The naysayers reckon New Zealand’s too wet, its people too old and too fat for a cycleway. But the givers of these views should first be tested for Coronation Street watchers, scoutmasters, and Atkins dieters, whose memories are rich with drive-throughs and hot grease and nights frantic with fancy creams doctoring cottage cheese thighs and wasp nests hanging from ham hock arms.

Questions:

Q: Will building a national cycleway fix the economy?
A: No it won’t. But if you think government spending is going to fix the economy then it’s time you got on a plane to Australia.

Q: Does New Zealand need a national cycleway?
A: Of course it does.

Q: Will it attract more tourists?
A: Yes it will. Just ask hostellers on the Central Otago Rail Trail.

Q: Will New Zealanders use it?
A: Of course they will. We own 1.2 million bicycles. Cycling is New Zealand’s most popular activity pastime despite cyclists' fear of getting the bash. The ability to ride without traffic and driver intimidation will catapult cyclist numbers.

Q: Will a cycleway get cyclists pedaling the length of New Zealand?

A: In most cases it won't, just as motorists don't drive to Invercargill just because a road goes there. But the opportunity to access a safe cycling passage, or adventure, at various points the length of New Zealand is priceless.

Q: Should New Zealand taxpayers fund first-class tickets to Australia for naysayers?

A: Yes they should (though with a little help from McDs and KFC, who benefit regardless).

Q: When I say naysayer, does it conjure an image of a fat person?

A: Of course it does.

Q: How many naysayers own bicycles?

A: None.

Bonjour from New Zealand

2009-03-03T15:48:00.000-08:00

-- A letter to March Cycling Sauce winner Cycles Laurent

Hello there from New Zealand.

I am writing to tell you about your growing international reputation.

I contribute to a cycling blog called Chopper Guard and each month our readers nominate their favourite example of bicycle advertising.

Our special interest is wheel-women (bicycle lovelies, as we call them) and we celebrate the winning nominations in a monthly posting called Cycling Sauce.

I am pleased to tell you that your handiwork has been chosen for March Cycling Sauce.

The story accompanying the picture is, well, a fabrication, so we’d really appreciate the full background. What is this lovely girl’s name? Are you still in contact with her? Where is she now? Were you at the photo-shoot? Did it drive new sales? Will you put all the photos on flickr?

Also, we are about to open a gentlemen’s bicycle club. One wall has been allocated to Chopper Guard bicycle lovelies. So we were hoping you could send us a poster, or magazine cover, of your rather marvellous advertisement.

Please let me know and I'll send postage details.

In the meantime, keep up the great work.

Vive la France!

Thanks and regards,

Lester

'Careless' truckie: Update

2009-03-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

-- Desmond Wilson, 45, the truck driver charged in connection with the death of a senior police officer, pleads not guilty

Traffic safety expert and Police Superintendent Steve Fitzgerald, 57, was killed last year cycling home from work, on Petone’s Esplanade, by truck driver Desmond Wilson. Could have been me. Could have been any one of us.

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-02-23T20:19:00.000-08:00

-- March Sauce - The Cycles Laurent Girl

I know, it's not yet March. But what's a few days between friends? Hat tip to third generation Paris cyclery Cycles Laurent. Apparently Grandad is still in charge of marketing. Love your work, Papy. This month's prize for spotlighting bicylce marketing excellence goes to Lunn Ave rider PM. A passed expiry date scroggin bar is on its way to you now.

Vive la France!

Make pain your friend

2009-02-21T21:03:00.000-08:00

-- A jolly good thrashing can be strangely satisfying

Heading west in the empty dawn we rode apace through Kingsland and New Lynn. Missingham muttered something about the time and very soon we were speeding through Henderson Valley’s stifling humidity and into the rising hiss of cicadas. Heavy sweat of forest all around. Goddamn, we hadn’t even arrived and I was heaving like a pack-a-day sumo wrester.

The deal was Mountain Road repeats, but just how many? What could the body take? It was an experimental ride. A ride to failure and its full consequences.

The climb’s early stages allow a rhythm and silent conversation: Stay on top of the pedals, that’s right, feel the flow, relax, you repeat to yourself. Then the fucker rises up and snakes into the upper reaches of the misted valley. Ahead, the narrow road, its coarse surface bulbous with tree roots, disappears into forested steepness. It beckons the rider to a nasty intercept by invisible officials responsible for unhitching comfort and watching it slide down the valley.

In the saddle, out of the saddle, gravity bleeds life from the legs and the shoulders sag under terrible weight. Lungs fight to expand. Questions creep in: Are my brakes rubbing? What’s wrong with me, horses don’t sweat this much? Then doubt: Hell, there’s a place to stop.

But on you go, in a world smaller and concentrated and hitched to torment and fatigue. It’s now a survival trip, where time struggles behind a normal clock tick; each pedal stroke a victory over turning back and an arse kicking dished up by gravity and evil cycling forces found at 15 percent gradient. How long can this go on?

The top, obscured by a sharp corner, arrives suddenly. This NEW PLACE, a breakthrough to effortlessness, like a climbing airliner slicing heavy cloud into sparkling blue. The relief of effortlessness floods the body like morphine.

Twice more. Missingham had spoken.

Taking it on the chin

2009-02-20T00:31:00.000-08:00

-- Double chin.

You'd be angry too if you had a chin like Cadel's. Ok, so I'm no Cadel fan. His Angry Man Thing is so goddamn alienating. I read that it's just a nervous act, a gross overreaction to public scrutiny, and underneath is a Free Tibet T-shirt and patter of dogs. But don't touch his dog. Give the man a break, for goodness sake. But fuck, that chin. I said but fuck. Sorry about that.

Don’t horse about with sports nutrition

2009-02-17T23:53:00.000-08:00

-- Nutrition bars eating up dwindling funds? In these recessionary times saving on food doesn’t always mean going down market.

Hello Nestle

Lester here.

Great admirer of New Zealand pet food delicacies. I must say, you've done a wonderful job of promoting Fancy Feast Royale. Yellow fin tuna with whole shrimp....If only dear old Clarence were alive today.

Anyway, quick question: I'm quite sick of Chef. The mature formula gives me terrible gas. It's time I went upmarket. But I just want to be sure there's no horse in your fish.

I don't much fancy surf and turf - you know what I mean.

Fond regards,

Lester

__________________________

Good morning Lester,

Thank you for contacting us regarding ingredients in Fancy feast.

There are no ingredients in any of our products that are not clearly stated on the ingredient list.

We only add chicken, fish, lamb, beef and some pork meat to our products (but it does depend on variant as to which of these meats it contains).

None of the Fancy feast products contain lamb or pork, only chicken (turkey), beef or fish depending on variant.

The Fancy feast Royale product is also human grade meat so you can actually eat it yourself if you are so inclined.

If you would like to try a free sample (or if your cat would like to try!) please go to www.fancyfeast.co.nz to register.

If you have any other questions please don't hesitate to contact me.

Kind regards,

Crystal Corben | Petcare Advisor
Nestlé Purina PetCare  Unit 2, 99 Carbine Road | PO Box 109078 | Auckland 1140

CHECK OUT OUR WEBSITES   www.beneful.co.nz   www.dogspace.co.nz   www.purinaone.co.nz   www.petspace.co.nz   www.friskies.co.nz   www.fancyfeast.co.nz   www.tux.co.nz   www.proplan.com   www.dogchow.com   www.catchow.com   www.tidycats.com

When will they learn?

2009-02-11T23:54:00.000-08:00

-- 23 year-old Belgian cyclist Frederiek Nolf, competing in the Tour of Qatar, has died in his sleep. Nolf’s Father: “Out of respect for Frederiek, we see no sense" in an autopsy to determine the cause of death.

The poor guy; his poor family. Nolf’s untimely end, when just days before race chief Eddy Merckx rode with a “laughing and happy” Nolf and his teammates, is deeply shocking.

How could this happen to someone so young; a professional athlete, who apparently had not before exhibited symptoms of ill health? Said Merckx: "I spoke to his team manager (Heynderrickx) who told me there was nothing to indicate that something like this could happen.”

The unexplained death of a child surely makes every bone and heartstring in a parent’s body ache for answers, for truth, for resting peace. But not Nolf’s father: “Out of respect for Frederiek, we see no sense" in an autopsy to determine the cause of death he reportedly told nieuwsblad.be.

One can only assume that he sees no sense (in an autopsy) because he knows what the post-mortem will reveal. And why would anyone willingly jeopardise a life insurance payout? Nolf senior’s further explanation casts more suspicion: "He has gone to sleep in a peaceful, natural manner. It is time to leave Frederiek to his rest." Yes, going to sleep is quite natural, but when you’re aged just 23 failing to wake up is not.

Before synthetic production of EPO professional cyclists died in their sleep by the morgue-full. In those good old days, when boosting red blood cells (RBCs) was a stab in the dark (involving blood letting, a centrifuge to concentrate RBCs, and someone to pump the 'reddened' blood back in) a cyclist’s best friend was an alarm clock and a wind trainer. A spot of midnight cycling revived a pulse rate flagging under the load of extra thick blood. It gave new gravity to the consequences of sleeping through the alarm.

But even modern medicine isn’t completely failsafe. Somebody tell me I’m wrong.

Chopper Guard Harden The Fuck Up Award: Svein Tuft – hard as fuck

2009-02-09T23:34:00.000-08:00

-- In 2003, he showed up for the Prime Alliance pro team’s training camp near Los Angeles. He had ridden there from Canada. “He had this really long beard, and he smelled very bad,” said Jonathan Vaughters, then in his last year of professional racing.

While his European peers experimented with women’s underwear and side-parts, Canadian cyclist Svein Tuft, who this year rides the Tour de France with the Garmin-Slipstream squad, rode vast tracts of Canadian wilderness on a $40 bike hooked to a homemade trailer groaning under the weight of a sack of potatoes and Tuft’s 80-pound dog, Bear.

By all means clap Team Cancer Man, but here’s a rider we can really holler for, eh.

Now, go make yourself a nice cup of harden the fuck up and read the full story here.

The physics of a decent bang

2009-02-08T22:54:00.000-08:00

-- Lunn Ave rider and Doctor of Bicycle Engineering Mike P. gets to the bottom of the weekend’s blowout.

“……Just a note to say the blow-out probably wasn't a random chance. It was at the bottom of a hill I hear. If your tyre pressures are somewhere around the max listed on the sidewall before you start the ride, they will be somewhat more at the bottom of a hill.

The function of brakes is to convert kinetic energy into heat energy. Nearly all of that heat energy is transferred to the rim because the brake blocks are good insulators. The rim, with enough hill, has the time it takes to get some of that heat into the air in the tube. Heat and pressure have a direct relationship. The proportion the pressure goes up is the tube-air temp difference over 273 (Kelvin) x the initial pressure. Enough for good bang it seems. (A regular problem on tandems.)

The solution: do half your braking with each wheel, when you can. But beware of using both brakes at the same time. If you do, weight transfer to the front makes the rear lock real easy, and not much happen at the back anyway. If you are on a curve at that time, a dramatic step sideways at the rear is certain, if the rear tyre skids at all. I tell you, it stirs the soul..."

Cycling Sauce: Chopper Guard Bicycle Lovelies

2009-02-05T00:42:00.000-08:00

-- The readers have spoken. February Sauce – The Assos catalogue girl

I’m a big fan of Assos clobber. Topnotch and reassuringly expensive. Like most things Swiss. They certainly know how to knock-up a half decent catalogue, too. And all in the best possible taste.

A cherry Swiss cheese salute to Assos and their marketing department. Your fine work is appreciated.

Readers: Send me your recommendations for March Cycling Sauce. Let’s work together on this and give manufacturers the recognition they deserve.

Manufacturers: More than happy to accept direct submissions. But you’ll have to send me some of your clobber (I’m an Australasian XL, European XXXL). Can’t be celebrating your loveliness without quality testing your clobber. Leave your email address in the comments section and I’ll reply offline with delivery details.

Fear and loathing in Coromandel

2009-02-03T00:57:00.000-08:00

-- We were somewhere around….

We were somewhere around Ruamahunga, on the Thames Coastal Road, when the heat began to take hold. I remember saying something like, “I feel a little light headed, maybe we should stop for water.” And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge gulls, all swooping and screeching and diving around our peleton, which was going about a 25 miles an hour to Coromandel.

And a voice was screaming "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"

Then it was quiet again. We stopped. My associate had taken his shirt off and was pouring suntan lotion on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind," I said. "You lot keep going. I need some water. I’ll catch up.” No point mentioning those gulls, I thought. The poor bastards will see them soon enough.

Finding the cold water tap in the fuel station forecourt was impossible. I would have to go inside. A tap, Kind Sir, for this road weary cyclist in search of the great COROMANDEL dream.

“Tank water,” the lizard skinned proprietor hissed, dismissing me with a wave of his fisted claw. Goddman, one litre is all I ask.

He was clearly sick and dangerous. He was a liar and a thief and a rapist who was probably incurable.... In some provinces they have Castration Programmes for foul balls like this: Chop out the hormones, turn them into eunuchs with fat little hands and glistening eyes and wispy hair on their necks who don't mind admitting they're wrong.

So I banged on the double glazed fridge door and seized a very fine 1 litre. No point mentioning the great COROMANDEL dream, I thought, a poor bastard like that might CUT me.

“Can we make the trade?” I enquired, tossing a sweaty five dollar bill on to his fly blown counter.

“Here’s your change. Now take this goddamn water and get the fuck out of here.”

“I’ll be back. I’ve got your name on the sales slip. I’ll find out where you live and burn your house down.”

Jesus. Did I say that? Or just think it? Did he hear me?

Goddamn, I think those miles were getting to me.

Gentlemen riders look to celebrity draw card

2009-02-02T00:34:00.000-08:00

-- Does anyone have the contact details for UK actress and cycling advocate Gemma Atkinson? She’s Cristiano Ronaldo’s ex and my chums at the GBC reckon she’d be well up for the Gentlemen’s ride.

Apparently she’s in New Zealand this February. So the timing’s impeccable. I must say that her aerodynamic suit will greatly inspire our gentlemen riders.

Please let me know.

Age shall not weary

2009-02-01T23:57:00.000-08:00

-- Old dogs teaching young new tricks

Age defying sporting prowess is strangely liberating. It exposes the great con – that the only kind of performance you should expect from an athlete aged over 35 years is a flagging one. Not the case in this modern era of grey haired sporting triumph.

Bringing new hope to all athletes who should have hung up their kit years ago, Lance Armstrong, at the ripe old age of 37, will become Tour de France’s oldest winner should he pull off an improbable eight victory in July this year. He reckons age is a wives’ tale. Sure, his back gets tired quicker, but on the bike he feels just as good as he did before, he says.

Then there’s Spanish cycling veteran and super domestique Iñigo Cuesta (40 in June) who will this season (his 18th as a professional) help current Tour de France champion Carlos Sastre defend his crown. Not bad for a professional athlete with a career dating back to the reign of Miguel Indurain.

And who can forget the feats (and looks) of 41-year-old swimmer and three times silver medalist at last year’s Beijing Olympics, Dara Torres.

The list goes on.

It is said the mind grows tired before the body wilts. Those fateful words, I’ve had enough, often come long before physical incapability. Fifty year-old French born professional cyclist Jeannie Longo is living proof of a body with the mind to match.

Keep pushing it hard. In most cases the body will outlast the mind.

About the photo (Ernie Old)
In 1954, marathon cyclist Ernie Old completed an 80-day bicycle ride, averaging 80 miles per day and finishing on his 80th birthday in Albert Park in Melbourne. This was just one of his remarkable feats – he also served in two wars, patented several inventions and made Prime Minister Robert Menzies an offer he almost couldn’t refuse.

Does my arse look fat in these pants?

2009-01-26T23:48:00.000-08:00

-- It’s a question every cyclist should ask

Somebody once said that cycling is the only community in which men appear to obsess more over their weight than women do.

It’s a fair assessment and a pointer to the brutal reality of a simple formula from which there is no escape. Cycling’s magic formula: power-to-weight ratio, which essentially dictates that the more power you can produce, and the less you weigh, the faster you climb.

The stark truth of this formula is seen in wearers of a grand tour King Of The Mountains jersey, who are invariably squits, often weighing in at less than 60kg. And this is why cyclists, particularly in the early season, spend so much time looking at each other’s arses – simply because size reliably indicates probable performance.

Much science has been put to assessing advantages of lost kilos. Calculations show that carrying 1kg less on a 7% grade is worth 0.04m/s (90 kg bike + rider) to 0.07m/s (65 kg bike + rider). For the 90kg rider this translates to 144 metres gained over 1 hour of climbing.

It doesn’t sound like much, but it was just a few kilos that apparently undid five-times Tour de France winner Miguel Indurain, whose reign was finally broken in 1996 by one Bjarne Riis (who has since admitted to EPO use). At the time of his win Riis weighed 150lbs (68kgs) and possessed Maximal Sustainable (MS) power of 480 watts, giving him a power-to-weight ratio of 7 watts per kilogram (480 / 68 = 7) – widely regarded by professional cyclists as the magic number.

Indurain’s MS power of 550 watts was much greater than Riis’s, but he weighed more (176lbs or 80kgs), giving him a power-to-weight ratio of 6.8 watts/kg - 0.2 less than Riis. Indurain might have cleaned up the time trials, where weight is less significant, but on the long steep climbs he was caned.

Time to dust off the scales.

What were we thinking?

2009-01-23T19:30:00.000-08:00

-- Mountain Road, Henderson Valley, Auckland. Go on. How tough can it be? There’s a clue in the name.

Sure, it’s no Alpe D'Huez. But in the land of stumpy volcanic cones it’s the closest thing to an alpine climb Auckland cyclists have got. Henderson’s Mountain Road (click settings and tick elevation). A vicious 6km brute, rising 350 vertical metres from the verdant floor of Henderson Valley to Scenic Drive, which winds along The Waitakere Ranges.

Patches of 16% and 17% gradient, coarse chip and the odd mullet behind the wheel of a rusty Holden make this one of Auckland’s toughest climbs.

Go on. Do it twice

Back in the saddle

2009-01-23T01:05:00.000-08:00

-- After a 20-year layoff an old pro rediscovers his passion for cycling

Cyclists come and go. We’ve all been there, gripped by enthusiasm and a rampant appetite for miles and competition. But, eventually you pass a certain limit and excuses creep in. Seasons and circumstances change and, one day, months down the track, you find yourself wiping cobwebs from your handlebars, wondering how it all went so wrong.

But in that quiet moment of reflection, watching dust particles dance in the beams of sunlight streaming through cracked weatherboards into the greyness of the windowless garage, the decision to ride comes suddenly. And very soon, you’re back, chalking up miles and grinning like a pleased ram savouring the heated whiff of wanton ewe.

You ride because you love it. And that feeling is never fully extinguished.

You'd think this comeback scenario would be less common among retired pro riders, whose inhumane workloads tend to wear away the child-like thrill of riding for the sake of it.

So it was both intriguing and affirming to read a fantastic Cycling Weekly story about Italian born Falvio Zappi, 48, a successful pro-rider in the early 80s, who, after a layoff of more than 20 years, rediscovered the glory of the bicycle.

Go check for cobwebs.

“Careless” truckie faces charge of killing police cyclist

2009-01-20T01:12:00.001-08:00

-- Could have been me. Could have been any one of us.

I didn't know traffic safety expert and Police Superintendent Steve Fitzgerald, 57, who was killed last year cycling home from work, on Petone’s Esplanade, by truck driver Desmond Wilson, 45, who will face the charge of careless driving causing death when he appears in Lower Hutt District Court on February 26.

But on hearing news of Fitzgerald's tragic death every cyclist would have felt a grim connection. It’s hard not to shudder and grope for wood knowing that, but for the time and the place, it could have been me. Could’ve been any one of us.

Knowing Fitzgerald’s profession and track record in traffic safety it’s unlikely he was riding irresponsibly. Most 57 year-old office-bound cycle commuters aren’t built for speed, nor do they needlessly flirt with danger. And it’s unlikely that truck driver and now defendant Wilson drove that day looking for trouble, or to take a life.

But something happened on that fateful June day last year and a body of evidence will argue that truck driver Wilson's carelessness killed the police superintendent.

Fitzgerald is one of many cyclists maimed or killed by motorists (2006 Ministry of Transport crash statistics show 9 cyclist deaths and 150 serious injuries. The same report states that motorists have primary responsibility 70 percent of injuries and deaths).

Driver ‘carelessness’ will smite out many more cyclists. Careless: |ˈkerlis| not giving sufficient attention or thought to avoiding harm or errors. What makes people careless? Laziness? Inadequate skill (presumably Wilson was licensed and, at 45, experienced)? A bad attitude?

Did Wilson de-personalise that anonymous helmeted character with its head down, pedalling along a road built principally for motorised transport? Did he take a chance, show a split-second disregard for the smaller, slower, mildly inconvenient road user? Ignorance flourishes in the warmth of a cab, where the link between disregard and death is permanently fogged, and always on another road, in some other town.

As both a driver and cyclist I'm keen learn more about the factors behind Fitzgerald's tragic demise. I hope Wilson comes clean. And I hope the followup story gets more than a one-line brief in a midweek newspaper column, for the sake of everyone.

RIP Steve Fitzgerald.

Touch wood.

Gentlemen’s ride to redress gender imbalance

2009-01-15T18:31:00.000-08:00

-- Organisers say, “Hello ladies”

A small tightknit group of bicycle enthusiasts is hoping to bring an air of conviviality to Auckland’s cycling scene, organising a ‘Gentlemen’s’ ride along Auckland’s iconic Tamaki Drive.

Spokesperson of event organiser The Glendowie Bicycle Club (GBC), Chairman Mike, describes the planned ride as “slow riding at its best” and wants participants to forsake lycra for more crowd pleasing attire.

“The bicycling movement has been enslaved to garish fashion, accessorising and fleshy contours. We want to reclaim the glory of the bicycle and celebrate its raw understated beauty – everything that is good and right,” he says.

But ladies shouldn’t be put off by the name. “Quite the opposite, “ says Chairman Mike, who is married. “We say, in the best possible taste, hello to all ladies.”

GBC treasurer Steve, also married, and dressed in brown flannel shorts, concurs. “Ladies, hello,” he says.

Departing Parnell’s Paddington pub, 5:00pm, Friday, 20 February, the Gentlemen’s ride will wind its way along the Tamaki Drive cycelway, stopping at regular intervals, and ending at La Vie En Rose bar in St Heliers. The $3.49 event entry fee also provides lifetime membership to the Glendowie Bicycle Club.

Chairman Mike says the ride was originally planned to follow the road. However, following lengthy public consultation and concerns expressed by motorised road users, the ride was rerouted to the cycleway.

New lobby group fresh impetus for Auckland harbour bridge cycleway

2009-01-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

-- Auckland City Councillor and cycling commentator Toni Millar likely patron

Dear Councillor

Long time cyclist and first time e-mailer, Raoul.

Firstly, happy New Year.

In writing I was hoping to appeal to your political instincts and interest in more efficient motorised travel along Auckland’s Tamaki Drive.

Last year on Campbell Live you expressed dissatisfaction with cyclist behaviour along the Waterfront and the extra time and trouble shoddy riding cost motorised road users.

Just because I’m an enthusiastic Tamaki Drive cyclist doesn’t mean I reject your concerns. Hell, everyone makes mistakes. Lord knows I’ve run my fair share of red lights and knocked down the occasional slow-walking pedestrian. Forgiveness is a great thing.

Anyway, you will be aware of the cycle lobby group Getacross, which failed to convince the Transport Agency to consider a Harbour Bridge cycleway.

But here’s a thought. In my mind, the opportunity to cycle across the Harbour Bridge is a cyclist draw card possessing attraction similar to Tamaki Drive. Both routes offer magnificent harbour views and provide cyclists with a route destination that defines their ride.

Surely, then, an Auckland Harbour Bridge cycleway will alleviate cycling congestion along Tamaki Drive. Afterall, a cyclist can’t be in two places at once.

With this in mind, I’m investigating the formation of a new lobby group (Auckland Regional Transport Authority calling Getacross a “dead horse” gives it a branding problem).

We’re still working on a name, but wondered if you’d consider being our patron. You are already part of the cycling conversation. Perhaps more importantly, becoming the figurehead of a pro-cycling group will help you to win back the goodwill of Auckland’s significant cycling community.

Please let me know.

Chopper Guard

The cycling revolution will not be televised

2008-12-28T20:35:00.001-08:00

-- Government’s failure to invest in bike infrastructure is turning Kiwis into fat bastards

Study: Commuters are less likely to ride a bicycle to work when governments fail to invest in bike infrastructure. (Tell us something we don’t know).

A recent Australian study shows Sydneysiders (who are buying bicycles at a faster rate than cars) are far less likely to ride a bicycle to work than people living in other Australian and international cities. A lack of useful and safe bike paths, the CBD's many one-way roads, and a shortage of places to store bikes during the day are keeping commuters in their cars.

With only 1.8 per cent of its 4,100 kilometres of cycleways designated bike-only lanes, Sydney lags behind other cities, but is streets ahead of major New Zealand cities.

Hell, the New Zealand Transport Agency isn’t even prepared to consider trialing a bicycle/walking lane on Auckland’s only harbour crossing (Regional transport chairwoman Christine Rose said it achieved a “low assessment against the criteria" for priority transport projects).

In the meantime, the hardy few cyclists braving a work commute continue to be treated as pariahs of the road (and face getting the bash from motorists), while the New Zealand government fritters more than $900 million a year on sport and recreation – to little effect.

A near 60-per cent increase in sport and recreation funding over the past decade has all but failed to increase the average Kiwi’s physical output.

What the? $900 million worth of advertising to get our fattening arses off the couch, but no harbour bridge cycle lane (or any other cycle lanes of strategic significance)? And this, despite a Sport and Recreation Active New Zealand survey highlighting cycling as one of the most common types of activity.... slightly less popular than walking (including walking to the pub, back from the pub); gardening (exercise, my arse); swimming (passable); and fishing (don’t make me laugh).

Here’s an idea: siphon the spectacularly ineffectual Sport and Recreation advertising budget and put it into cycle lane construction for bicycle-owning commuters, who are currently too spooked to leave their cars. The spinoffs are many, not the least reducing New Zealand’s average arse size and public health bill.

Celebrate the hardness

2008-12-27T08:56:00.000-08:00

-- Seven times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong called him Nails. Viatcheslav 'Nails' Ekimov finished every one of the 15 Tours de France he started. Aged 14 he rode 38,000 kilometers in one year. That was just the beginning.

Like the colours of a cyclist's wardrobe, motivations driving pedal strokes cover a spectrum. But where individual cycling goals often diverge, admiration of the cyclist's dedication to improvement is universal. Has there ever been a cyclist, of any ability, who at some stage hasn’t wanted to go faster, ride longer or more effortlessly? Cycling’s mere mortals cut out a few weekend drills for quick gains. Immortals, like two-time Olympic Gold medal winner and Russian cyclist of the Century Viatcheslav Ekimov, go to such lengths they make their professional peers look like big girls' blouses.

Ekimov started training as a cyclist aged 12 (it was the Soviet era) and moved on to the rather ominously named Armed Forces Sports Society. He became a pro bike rider in 1990, at the age of 23, starting and finishing (aged 40) 15 Tours de France.

Daniel Coyle, in his book Lance Armstrong's War, provides a taste of Ekimov’s unflinching determination.

The third parable ... was the Story of Eki. Thirty-seven-year-old Russian Viatcheslav Ekimov was the only rider on Postal -- indeed, perhaps the only person in Armstrong's world -- whose work ethic was beyond question. This status was underlined frequently, most of all by Armstrong's assertion that Eki was “nails.” Which raised the question: what does it take to be “nails”? This is what it took. When Eki was fourteen and living at a sports club in St. Petersburg, he rode 38,000 kilometers in one year, an average of 450 miles a week. In 1996, as a professional, he nearly doubled it ("That's not possible for a human," Landis said incredulously). But it was true -- Eki had twenty-five notebooks full of training logs to prove it. Eki had ridden thirteen tours and finished every one. Eki never missed a training day. Eki was never late or unprepared. Eki coached himself. Eki was Eki.

A salute to Ekimov and hardness. Don't worry too much about all the miles. But we all should suck up some of Eki's iron willed determination.

5 minutes with Cadel Evans

2008-12-16T23:37:00.001-08:00

-- Still learning to live with squeaky short man syndrome

Chopper Guard caught up with Aussie battler and Silence-Lotto rider Cadel Evans. Finishing a close second to mild mannered CSC rider Carlos Sastre in this year’s Tour de France, Evans can take some quiet satisfaction from his year’s achievements.

Chopper Guard: Gidday Cadel, how are you?

Evans: DON’T TOUCH ME!

Chopper Guard: Oh, sorry about that. Bad start. How is your shoulder, anyway?

Evans: I CUT YOUR HEAD OFF!

Chopper Guard: I see, still a bit sore, then. Ok. Let’s get to a happy place, can we, Cadel? You were clearly satisfied with your second placing in this year's tour. To what extent will you change your overall race strategy for next year's tour now that key signing Bernard Kohl has been eliminated and Yaroslav Popovych, a rider you insisted must stay as a condition of re-signing with Silence-Lotto, has been lost to powerful rivals Astana?

Evans: I have a lot of people to thank and a lot of people who have helped me along the way – my coach, my dog, my girlfriend, my coach, my dog. I CUT YOUR HEAD OFF! Did I mention my dog? I hate cats. Hate them. We had a kitten, once. Hated it......my dog. I CUT YOU! All the people who stuck by me. It’s been a life’s work…….

Chopper Guard: Oh, that’s lovely, Cadel. Here, have a tissue.

Evans: DON’T TOUCH ME!

Chopper Guard: Oops, there I go again.

Evans: I CUT YOUR HEAD OFF!

Chopper Guard: Oh, gosh, yes. Looks like our time’s up. It’s been great. We’ll get your gentle assistant Serge Borlée to show us out.

Sisters against cyclist bashing

2008-12-15T15:40:00.000-08:00

-- NZ bikers show true colours

Otago researchers say the threat of getting the bash is keeping New Zealanders off their bicycles. Apparently, the perceived threat of attacks outweighs the benefits of pedalling. It might make me fitter, but I’m not prepared for the punch-up, some might say.

Perceptions can be funny things. Are there really that many motorists out there baying for cyclist blood?

However, I can understand certain trepidation and the threat of getting a vehicular bash. Every cyclist has a story. And research tends to back me up. 2006 Ministry of Transport crash statistics show 9 cyclist deaths; 150 were seriously injured and 683 suffered minor injuries, as indicated by police reported crashes on New Zealand roads. In the same report cyclists were found to have primary responsibility in only 30 percent of all cyclist-vehicle crashes in which they are injured or killed – i.e. vehicles cause 70 percent of injuries and deaths.

Members of Kiwi Biker, the site for all New Zealand motorcyclists, have entered the discussion.

The ‘Hitcher’ sets the tone: “Fucking treadly riders,” he begins, offering further insight. “I had an opportunity to clean up a couple of dozen of them this morning, but decided to brake hard instead.” (How accommodating, thanks Hitcher).

He goes on and on about wankers and arseholes and gut-laden lycra (fair point – guts and lycra is a bad look. But try pedalling in board shorts). “I hope your MP3 players get caught in your spokes and that your spandex suit is rent asunder when your corset snaps. There should be laws against middle-aged men in lycra,” he says (That’s a bit tough. OK, middle-aged men and all that. But, hell, do you want them to stay on the couch, grow moobs and buy a motorbike?)

He finishes: “If you want to ride on roads that owners and operators of POWERED vehicles have paid for, then please show some respect and courtesy.”

(Got to put you right here, Hitcher. Most lycra clad cyclists, and especially middle-aged ones, don’t ride because motorised transport is beyond their grasp. Like bikers they ride because they love it. And what you’ll find is that the majority of them have at least two cars back in the garage. So, they’re not riding the hairy bikers back, so to speak).

Twisted sister offered more favourable ideas. “I find a quick lick of my palm across their lycra clad arses is very enjoyable and satisfying...well it is for me anyway.”

Sounds ok, though, ah, assuming ‘sister’ is, well, you know what I mean.

Continental Car Services - gouging for humanity

2008-12-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

-- Just what is “environmental recycling”?

Today, a small detour, and another reason why I’ll be cycling to work next year.

In these times of creeping credit crunchiness you can’t blame businesses for creative cost recovery. While hitting consumers in the pocket isn’t particularly taxing on marketing departments, their price-hike storytelling is much more colourful. The trick with price rises is providing just the right level of justification, even if it gaps the truth, to minimise customer discontent. Oil companies are leaders in this field (and, certainly, an oligopoly helps).

Here’s cost recovery that doesn’t wash, thanks to Continental Car Services.

The $15 “environmental recycling” charge added to a standard vehicle service.

“What’s this about,” I enquired.

“Oh, that relates to the oil change – we have someone collect the used oil,” the service manager explained.

“Hang on, workshops have been doing this from the beginning of time. So, tell me, what’s materially changed to justify the extra charge?”

“Well, um, ah, all workshops charge for it and it’s now our policy.”

“So, then, the only thing that’s changed is your decision to pass on this cost to customers.”

“Yes.”

The reason why I no longer use Continental Car Services is not the charge.

It’s the lies.

Oil collection is not something new and dressing it up as “environmental recycling” is bullshit.

Wankers

Chopper Guard personality of the year

2008-12-12T01:22:00.000-08:00

-- In what must be this year’s most cringe-worthy PR blunder, the unfortunately proportioned Auckland City councillor Toni Millar’s ill-advised television rant transformed her from an unknown bureaucrat into a cycling community hate figure. Nice work.

Did one of her white linen suited St Heliers neighbours put her up to it? Surely it wasn’t of her own volition. On Campbell Live she raved, blathered and jiggled, railing against cyclists’ arrogance and their menace on Tamaki Drive.

Hello. Tamaki Drive is an Auckland Mecca. Every day thousands of Aucklanders travel along it, to and from the city and between the beaches, stopping for coffee, rollerblading, kiting, watching; in their own way putting some joy into their lives. The braying masses tend to overwhelm progress as usual. Hell, sometimes it's tough even making decent progress on a bike. But most reasonable thinking people embrace the chaos, figuring that a little inconvenience is a small price to pay for a destination this good. It’s not a place or the thoroughfare for the selfish and uptight.

Be cool. Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Chopper Guard cyclist of the year

2008-12-12T00:14:00.000-08:00

-- France’s Jeannie Longo (50), the female version of Belgian legend Eddy 'cannibal' Merckx, only tougher

Still racing aged 50, Jeannie Longo is considered by some as the world’s greatest ever cyclist. She has more than 1,000 career victories, the most of any cyclist in history, including 54 medals in national, world and Olympic competition. This year at the Beijing Olympics, her seventh consecutive Games (joining a select group of female athletes, including the Jamaican Merlene Ottey, to have participated in seven Olympic Games) Longo finished, by her standards, a possibly disappointing 4th in the time trial.

Winner of the road racing gold in Atlanta 1996, she won her first Olympic medal (silver) at Barcelona in 1992. In road cycling she has won nine world championship gold medals, three silver and two bronze. Her Olympic haul isn’t bad either – one gold, two silvers and a bronze. And then there’s track cycling: four world championship golds, three silvers and three bronze. In 1993 she had a once only crack at mountain biking and took home a silver medal.

The greatest ever cyclist, or singular domination indicting the quality of women's cycling? Whatever. Celebrate longo-gevity and harden the fuck up.

Cycling dos and don'ts: DON'T

2008-12-07T15:47:00.000-08:00

-- It's just not right

Don't skip meals. It looks bad and gets you expelled from professional bike tours.

Cycling dos and don'ts: DO

2008-12-07T15:44:00.001-08:00

-- If the pants fit.....

Hell yes. Give it heaps, my man. Around the block will do just fine.

Cheers to performance enhancers

2008-12-06T14:06:00.000-08:00

-- Heineken's interest in sport goes much deeper than footwear

How could anyone ride THAT race ‘clean’? 3,500km in 21 days, never mind the mountains, on meat pies and Coke. I don’t think so. Humanly impossible. But no one's ever going to sanction performance enhancing drugs, so let’s just enjoy the drama of drug busts, stony faced denials and empty confessions.

The perpetual drug cloud got me thinking about useful enhancers for us amateurs. We know about coffee. But here’s something else you might want in your musette - Heineken.

A mate of mine runs marathons. Hard as nails, he’s the only guy I know who rumbles 42kms before breakfast. From time-to-time he bonks. Wild hunger sets in first. Then the black spots, confusion, spastic limbs, and jabbering. He doesn’t eat anything on his runs, which is a clue. Reckons he’s training his body to eat fat. But when you look like you weigh only 7 stone there’s not much fat to eat. He’d better be careful. Watch for early signs of a Low Energy Ebola thing that eats arms so the running can continue.

The other day, 800 metres from home, he bonked. Unable to run or walk he lay down on the footpath, watching clouds and hoping the cold drizzle on his face might be energy giving. After a few minutes he staggered up, like an old horse with severe pins and needles, and forced a few brittle steps. No good. Crawling, the only solution. But how do you cross a busy main road on all fours? In this part of the world that’s an invitation to bored motorists.

The decision to crawl home on roadside grass rather than endure abrasive qualities of footpath was a turning point. Advancing his first knuckled hoof uncovered a full bottle of Heineken, it’s green coloured glass keeping it safely hidden from bipedals. Now, this guy lives like a monk. Doesn’t even drink. But you can’t stifle survival instinct. He ripped the top off with his teeth and drunk it. The stuff couldn’t come out of the bottle fast enough. He stood up and ran home. There’s something in this.

Butter Chicken – a cyclist's best friend?

2008-12-03T12:14:00.001-08:00

-- The secret of India's cycling prowess is out - Butter chicken

Nutritionists lamenting the western (and now Eastern…..maybe Southern, too) world's growing number of fat bastards have fingered New Zealand's favourite Indian delicacy butter chicken as the number one dietary sinner. The study found that butter chicken packs some of the highest levels of saturated fat among takeaway foods.

This is great news for cyclists, who will be excited by the headline finding, which states that a single serving of India's finest provides sufficient calories for five hours of cycling.

Five hours on one curry. That's magnificent. A cyclist's winning formula. Watch out for this season's race nutrition breakthrough - Butter Chicken Leppin?

Sometimes you just gotta

2008-12-02T15:59:00.000-08:00

My mate Mike reckons ride, don't race. But sometimes you just gotta race. Stomp on the pedals so hard you nearly rip off the handlebars. Getting there first feels pretty good. A fella in New York, called Reed Rubey (who it seems recently suffered a serious injury crash, according to his team's website) recently got the feeling. He didn't come first, but he belongs.

Read his story on page 28 of Why I ride: The Art of Bicycling in New York. All power to Reed.