Cadel Evans humour

-- Buy the t-shirt, or I cut your head off

Despite a freshly minted road world champion gold medal hanging around his neck, Australian cyclist Cadel Evans is perhaps better known for his prickly outbursts and acts of violence.

In this regard, 2008 was a vintage year for Evans, when Tour de France performance expectations became too much to bear and offence became the best form of defence.

Head-butts and slapping aside, one of his more memorable outbursts was prompted by his dog Molly, whose safety was clearly threatened by marauding journalists, causing Cadel to hiss: “Don’t stand on my dog or I’ll cut your head off.”

However, it turns out that in making this statement Cadel intended no threat. The outburst was in fact a joke – Cadel humour. That’s right.

To promote his point Cadel has hired merchandisers to contextualise his outburst and exploit it, in the form of a 100% cotton limited edition t-shirt, designed and printed in Italy, to supplement his income.

His online shop assistant at cadelevans.com.au explains:

"Stage 15 in the 2008 Tour de France; Cadel had just lost the yellow jersey and was being interviewed by a journalist, Cadel jokingly quipped at someone who was getting too close to Molly..."Don`t stand on my dog or I`ll cut your head off". Thanks to some media editing the true comic nature of the comment was rarely shown."

Anyone who’s seen the clip will wonder just what sort of sneaky “media editing” might have caused them to misinterpret Cadel’s humour and miss its “true comic nature”. Just what editing trickery can contort, “Don`t stand on my dog or I’ll cut your head off".

Perhaps we’d give Cadel the benefit of the doubt if we better understood his cultural reference points. Australians are a quirky bunch.

The closest pointer to Cadel’s comedic reference points is compatriot and comedian Rodney Rude, who joked about a fella who walked into a bar and went up to another bloke and then put his hands around his own neck and made choking noises. After he did this a few times an onlooker asked him why he was doing it. He replied that the bloke’s sister had just hung herself and he was just “teasing him a bit.”

Journalists should remember this when Cadel starts waving a knife at their throats.

He’s just teasing them a bit.

Astarloza EPO

-- I’ve picked on Tom and antagonized Cadel

Only because they deserved it: Cadel, for his grave personality defects, and, Tom, for being a boone-head. There I go again.

But just as Cadel was due for another dummy spit, along comes Euskaltel-Euskadi's Mikel Astarloza, arresting our attention like man boobs on a motorbike.

"I know that I have not taken anything prohibited," Astarloza said, when his positive test for EPO was announced shortly after this year’s Tour de France.

One day after the counter-analysis confirmation, he said: "I'm completely innocent," adding: "Unfortunately, I can't prove it.” (Probably because you’re guilty, Mikel).

His team said in a statement that it “is not surprised at this result…. and trusts in the rider's innocence.”

But not enough to stop them suspending Astarloza from the team.

Now, of course, Astraloza is very unhappy. “I'm very unhappy.”

As is his sponsor Euskaltel-Euskadi, who faces a second positive for EPO in barely a month, after former Dauphine Libere winner Inigo Landaluze failed an anti-doping test for the same banned substance.

Now ex-pro and lawyer José Rodriguez has stepped in, saying Astarloza's problems stem from training in a hyperbaric tent, which replicates the effects of altitude training and stimulates the natural production of red blood cells (the same thing EPO does much better).

Maybe Rodriguez practices from a tent.

The problem is not Astarloza's red blood cells - it's the properties of synthetic EPO in his blood.

Another good reason to cycle

-- Running out of petrol won’t cost you a thing

Cycling will seem even better with the rubber stamping of a Transport Agency bylaw fining motorists for running out of steam anywhere on Auckland’s 72.7km motorway network.

Not that cyclists are big users of Auckland motorways. Or are they?

Anyway, that’s not to say cyclists don’t run out of fuel. And when they do, the results can be hideous and, frankly, deserving of financial penalty. The guy below, a professional road cyclist, forgot to eat and within minutes found himself pulling this stunt.

Riders with more panache are able to adapt and rise above fuel depravation. With the right kind of eye, roadsides offer a veritable treasure trove of sustenance.

Heineken – abundantly available on New Zealand roadsides and ocean bottoms

For the better prepared, there are a range of stronger chemical enhancers – like testosterone – popular with South African trans-gender athletes. Some advice – female cyclists: be sure to practice speaking like Cadel Evans and you won't give yourselves away.

Cadel speaks like a girl. Could it be drugs?

Quite possibly, if this photo of Cadel, taken at Silence Lotto's 2008 end-of-season karaoke competition, is anything to go by.

Taking it on the chin

-- Double chin.

You'd be angry too if you had a chin like Cadel's. Ok, so I'm no Cadel fan. His Angry Man Thing is so goddamn alienating. I read that it's just a nervous act, a gross overreaction to public scrutiny,  and underneath is a Free Tibet T-shirt and patter of dogs. But don't touch his dog. Give the man a break, for goodness sake. But fuck, that chin. I said but fuck. Sorry about that.

5 minutes with Cadel Evans

-- Still learning to live with squeaky short man syndrome

Chopper Guard caught up with Aussie battler and Silence-Lotto rider Cadel Evans. Finishing a close second to mild mannered CSC rider Carlos Sastre in this year’s Tour de France, Evans can take some quiet satisfaction from his year’s achievements.

Chopper Guard: Gidday Cadel, how are you?

Evans: DON’T TOUCH ME!

Chopper Guard: Oh, sorry about that. Bad start. How is your shoulder, anyway?

Evans: I CUT YOUR HEAD OFF!

Chopper Guard: I see, still a bit sore, then. Ok. Let’s get to a happy place, can we, Cadel? You were clearly satisfied with your second placing in this year's tour. To what extent will you change your overall race strategy for next year's tour now that key signing Bernard Kohl has been eliminated and Yaroslav Popovych, a rider you insisted must stay as a condition of re-signing with Silence-Lotto, has been lost to powerful rivals Astana?

Evans: I have a lot of people to thank and a lot of people who have helped me along the way – my coach, my dog, my girlfriend, my coach, my dog. I CUT YOUR HEAD OFF! Did I mention my dog? I hate cats. Hate them. We had a kitten, once. Hated it......my dog. I CUT YOU! All the people who stuck by me. It’s been a life’s work…….

Chopper Guard: Oh, that’s lovely, Cadel. Here, have a tissue.

Evans: DON’T TOUCH ME!

Chopper Guard: Oops, there I go again.

Evans: I CUT YOUR HEAD OFF!

Chopper Guard: Oh, gosh, yes. Looks like our time’s up. It’s been great. We’ll get your gentle assistant Serge Borlée to show us out.