Astarloza EPO

-- I’ve picked on Tom and antagonized Cadel

Only because they deserved it: Cadel, for his grave personality defects, and, Tom, for being a boone-head. There I go again.

But just as Cadel was due for another dummy spit, along comes Euskaltel-Euskadi's Mikel Astarloza, arresting our attention like man boobs on a motorbike.

"I know that I have not taken anything prohibited," Astarloza said, when his positive test for EPO was announced shortly after this year’s Tour de France.

One day after the counter-analysis confirmation, he said: "I'm completely innocent," adding: "Unfortunately, I can't prove it.” (Probably because you’re guilty, Mikel).

His team said in a statement that it “is not surprised at this result…. and trusts in the rider's innocence.”

But not enough to stop them suspending Astarloza from the team.

Now, of course, Astraloza is very unhappy. “I'm very unhappy.”

As is his sponsor Euskaltel-Euskadi, who faces a second positive for EPO in barely a month, after former Dauphine Libere winner Inigo Landaluze failed an anti-doping test for the same banned substance.

Now ex-pro and lawyer José Rodriguez has stepped in, saying Astarloza's problems stem from training in a hyperbaric tent, which replicates the effects of altitude training and stimulates the natural production of red blood cells (the same thing EPO does much better).

Maybe Rodriguez practices from a tent.

The problem is not Astarloza's red blood cells - it's the properties of synthetic EPO in his blood.

Boonen cocaine positive demystified

-- Just who can you trust?

Boonen’s third cocaine positive tested his lawyers’ powers of spin.

There was talk of suspect handshaking and spiked drinks.

But no mention of Tom’s spiked ball.

Boonen’s Tour back on, by a nose (and a handshake)

-- Boonen can’t say no to cocaine; Tour organisers can’t say no to Boonen

Dear Quick Step

Just a quick note congratulating you on Tom Boonen’s reinstatement to cycling’s showpiece, the Tour de France.

It’s a great credit to you and your fine legal representatives that you were able to fix Tom’s drug addiction so quickly and convince Tour organisers that nose candy shouldn't interfere with professional sport.

(I suspect that he doesn't actually engage in all that ghastly snorting - rather, he gets his fix with a handshake - works in has favour).

Finally, cycling is coming around to what baseball has known for years: sporting integrity is so last century.

Yours in fondness and admiration.

Lester

Specialized responds!

-- An email reply from Cody, Specialized Customer Service/Online Store, 1137 South 3800 West, Salt Lake City UT 84104. 877-808-8154

Lester,

Thanks for the e-mail and the support.

I have forwarded your e-mail on to the appropriate dept.

Thanks

Cody

Specialized cocaine help

-- A letter to Specialized: store_customerservice@specialized.com

Dear Specialized

I am writing to tell you that I think Tom Boonen might be addicted to drugs and needs urgent help.

I know right now that Team Quick-Step is "working closely with team sponsors” (that's you), but could you also please help Tom.

His lawyer Luc Deleu says Tom is wise and aware of the consequences.

So I figure Tom’s second cocaine bust in 12 months means that his dependency has addled his capacity rational thought.

Like, he knew the consequences but did it anyway.

I think this is called drug addiction.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big fan of Tom's despite his repeated suspensions for cocaine use. Hell, I even ride Specialized.

(And I have to say that Tom’s recent Paris Roubaix victory seems all the more impressive now knowing that his system was clogged with cocaine residue – a known cardiovascular inhibitor. Imagine how much he’d have won by if he rode clean).

Please do your best to clean up Tom.

Yours in fondness and diminishing admiration.

Lester