Cramped cycling style

-- Is there a cure?

It begins as a large golf ball sized spasm deep in the calf muscle. Nothing too serious that can’t be managed with careful mid-bunch riding, you hope.

But as racing continues and attacking tolls mount, trouble rises up and, inevitably, larger more important cycling muscles succumb to Involuntary Spasms From Hell. Cramp so violent and shocking the rider is unable to turn a pedal. Even toes start curling under the feet. Other symptoms are disturbing for their visibility - a grotesque physical deformation of the quadriceps. The only thing left to do is brake and slump to roadside, clutching and banging your legs for mercy and relief.

And so it was for me at this weekend’s SRAM Tour de Ranges, its vicious Monument Road start unleashing a torrent of lactic acid precipitating my untimely Kaiaua Bay demise.

We knew this ‘fun ride’ would start fast. The first clue was in the flagship sponsor SRAM, which I'm told is some sort of meat flavoured super food, available only in cans, promoted by a bloke who goes by the name of Livestrong (no relation to Bikestrong).

Then, at registration, I heard the MC ’s special welcome to event ‘elite’ riders, including Team PizzaHutAvanti and their leader SuperSupreme, the Weet-Bix Ironman Guy, a recently invigorated rider from the French JustJuice team, and Team BiscuitsVoodoo, a recently launched coffee brand.

The word in the second-string peleton was that these fellas were going to blow up the race on the Monument Road hill, which they did, leaving us stragglers to fight second string battles and limit our losses.

Then the cramp, starting with the golf ball atop Monument Road. You know the rest – a sporting natural selection that kills off the weakest and slowest members of the peleton to improve the survival chances of the remainder.

I’ve plumbed Google’s depths for cramp cures. As far as I can tell I do all the right things with hydration and pre-race and racing nutrition. However, I suspect my warm-up was insufficient for the shock treatment dished up by the hilly race start, which I believe produced more lactic acid than you’d reasonably expect from a more warmed up cyclist.

Knowing that I am more prone than the average bear to cramp I also carry Cramp-Stop, which I think helped stave off more severe early stage cramps. But then it all got too much.

Questions:

Is there a cramp cure? What do you use? Are there training drills that will teach my body to better process lactic acid? Does a better warm up limit lactic acid production for violent/hilly race starts? Magic potions? Secrets?

Please share your experiences.

The year that was and 2010’s disturbing start

-- 2009, year not reviewed; organised crime rides into cycling

I’m finally facing up to 2010. It’s a shock, I must say, and I feel like a failed dieter who’s been caught red handed with fist fulls of cold turkey freshly plucked from the fridge. The shame of it. But face up I must. The fridge is now empty of dead birds and the fat must go.

The important first step, I've found, is curbing Heineken abuse so that its unique formula delivers performance enhancement rather than fur to my teeth.

I’m further embarrassed to say that this lassitude took hold mid-December, at least two weeks prior to Christmas, so I wasn’t even able to finish off the year. No December Cycling Sauce (though Liz Hatch was a strong contender).

But between Christmas and New Year I forgot how to count and was unable to tally reader votes and announce a clear winner. Which is why the release of 2010 Cycling Sauce calendar has been delayed (but stay tuned). h

Chopper Guard’s 2009 personality of the year was also on the December agenda. But I got only as far as eliminating first round losers, including the rabid St Heliers Taxi driver, the jiggling Auckland City Councillor (also from St Heliers and, though quiet over the past year, deserved further consideration), and Auckland’s cyclist-hating Mayor (remember this when you next vote).

I’ll come back to all this. But before I do, a more urgent matter must be brought to your attention.

Bicycle theft. And I don’t mean opportunistic snatch and grab.

Recent events indicate that an organised group of bicycle crooks is operating in Auckland. That’s right. The secretary of east Auckland cycling club Lunn Ave Bicycle Club tells me that three members last week had bicycles stolen from their garages in the dead of night.

Other than timing (all thefts occurred over a couple of days) the spooky thing was that the thieves (thief?) eschewed other garage stuff – golf clubs, tools, blow up dolls, and even ‘lesser’ bikes – targeting only ‘higher-end’ road bikes.

Lunn Ave members, who ride the same Monday/Wednesday/Friday morning loop, wonder if they are being surreptitiously followed and their home addresses noted for future garage burglary.

It does make you wonder. A timely reminder to review bicycle security and to not worry too much about the security of unloved dolls and the like.

Should you be offered for sale or see on Trademe any of the following bikes please call the police or, better, arrange to meet the seller, render them unconscious, disrobe them, and put to work your doll.

Stolen bikes:

White/Black Merida Scultura 907 Evo (2008 Model). White handlebar tape/black hoods. Ultegra componentry and pedals. FSA 172.5mm Carbon Crankset (53/39 rings). 2 x Merida carbon bottle cages and Merida pump. Kysirium Equipe wheelset with Schwalbe tyres. VDO 3.0 Cycle computer with cadence sensor

Silver GT 08 Series 2. Compact Shimano with 12/25 on the back. Ritchey Biomax 2 Pro aluminium 38cm handlebars. Ritchey Pro 30D 9cm bike stem. Black Fi'zi:k Bar Gel tape

White/Blue Genius Squadra. Fork: Grammo Cosmo Carbon SL Ultra. Groupset Shimano Ultegra. Head Set: FSA Integrated. Grammo stem, seat post and handlebars. Shimano Ultegra wheels and Continental tyres. Saddle: Selle Sanmarco Aspide with Titanio rail. Serial number RA0302943706